In Which I Watch A Bookworm Blossom

When Connor's nurse woke him up this morning for school, he started crying, signed "no, tired" and promptly went back to sleep.  This was not a wonderful start to the day.  I told her to let him doze and then woke him up myself about twenty minutes later.  He made a really sad face when I told him it was time to get up, so I brought him into the living room and snuggled with him until he absolutely had to get ready for school.  After that he was okay-- apparently morning snuggles solve many, many problems.

He ended up having a good day at school, and then he had an absolutely fantastic physical therapy session.  He's really getting the hang of the adaptive vehicle he's been driving around, and it was pretty cool to see him starting to figure out how to stop it at just the right place so that he could see what was going on.  He was really interested in the other kids' therapy sessions, and just wanted to stop the car and watch to see what they were doing.  It was cute.  

Eden had a good day as well; she came home in a really great mood after finishing all her homework at the after-school tutoring assistance program she goes to every Wednesday and finding out that she was the only student who had perfect attendance there.  She came right over and gave me a big hug where I was on the couch, and then plopped down beside me to do her reading for the day.  We read out loud together every day; she used to read out loud to me for twenty minutes, but we now each read a chapter, which can take considerably more time.  She just finished Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and enjoyed it so much that we've started a second book by Roald Dahl: The BFG.  This happens to be one of my favorite children's books of all time, as it is so deliciously dark.  Eden and I are both enjoying it immensely.

She's also picking up books and looking through them on her own now; especially the many adoption-related biographies I have on the shelves.  Currently she's leafing through Cindy Champnella's The Waiting Child, and while I'm not sure how much of it she's actually taking in, she's spent quite a bit of time on it.  

When she first came home she didn't really care for books at all (in Thai or English) because she said the subject matter was boring.  Apparently the books that were available to her in Thailand were not very inspiring-- other than the Harry Potter series, which she read in its entirety.  Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was the first book we've read together where she was disappointed that the chapter was over and really wanted to know what happened next.  I can't tell you how amazing it is for me to watch her begin to fall in love with books.

Good thing I have about 1300 in the house.  I don't think she's going to run out of reading material any time soon.

Of course, it probably helps that we have no television reception and her Internet use is limited to two hours on weekdays and three on weekends-- provided she has her homework, chores, and of course her reading with me done.  Boredom is a good motivator for reading.  Still, I'm thrilled to see her starting to open that door; there are so many wonderful books out there I can't wait to share with her!

~Jess

In Which I Have Way More Power Than Is Probably A Good Idea

Friday was an extra-long day of respite care for me since our care provider wasn't able to come last week, so Eden and I had the chance to spend quite a bit of time together.  I usually use the respite care for what Eden calls our Mommy-Daughter Day; I think it's really important for us to spend some one-on-one time together every week and I think it's done a ton for our bonding process over the last few months.

So we started off with lunch at our favorite local coffee shop.  These lunches are where Eden and I have some of our most interesting conversations.  As things have settled down over the past few months, she's starting to ask more and more in-depth questions about the world around her: questions about social issues, politics, morality and ethics.

A lot of them are questions I have a difficult time answering.  "Mom, why do some people no have home?" she asked me the other day as we passed a man busking on the street.  "Why do people no give them home?"  A security camera she spotted in a store led to a long conversation about the motivations behind why people might steal from others.  A video about a man searching for his Korean birthparents prompted a discussion about the different paths of adoption and the ethical questions surrounding each.  And every time I open my mouth she's listening, questioning, building her own viewpoints about the world based on what I say.

One of the things I didn't consider about adopting an older child was that my words and actions would be actively changing the way my daughter perceives herself and the people around her.  I thought her personality and beliefs would be mostly set, and it turns out that just isn't the case; while it's true that some of that is already formed, we've seen astronomical changes in her behavior and world view in the past few months.  I think this is the first time she's had the opportunity to think about many of these things. And since I'm the one here every day, and the one she comes to with her big and difficult questions, the person who has the most direct influence over how she's forming her world right now is me.

To tell you the truth, it's terrifying.

The thought that I have that much direct influence over another human being is a very scary thought.  Not only am I probably not the best person to learn normal social skills from, but I also don't have any idea what the heck I'm doing.  And it's probably not a good idea to give me that much power over anyone or anything, as I have an overwhelming urge to do things like manage to work in bears and/or explosions into every conversation we have.  Because bears and explosions are important, okay?

I've started to hear her parrot back to her friends viewpoints that I've expressed over the past few months, and it's very strange to hear things I've said coming out of her mouth.  This obviously isn't something I've experienced with Connor (though I believe I have inspired his love of Fraggle Rock and all things dinosaur-related) so it's been a new and strange experience for me.

I've had to start analyzing exactly what it is I'm saying about myself and others around me, because my child is always watching.  She's learning how to express emotions from me too, so I have to do way more thinking than I'd ever done before about what it is I do when I'm angry, sad, happy etc. and why I do it that way so I can explain it to her when she asks.  I think I'm doing an okay job, all things said and done, but it can be exhausting at times.

I'm really glad that she's starting to tackle some of these more difficult questions; it's something I did at the same age.  And I'm going to do my best to have as many of these in-depth discussions with her as possible before she figures out from her peers that listening to her parents is totally uncool.  And as she starts putting together her own map of this uncertain, sometimes frightening world, I'm looking forward to navigating it with her as far as she'll let me go.

~Jess

In Which I Don't Write For A While And Explain Why

So I haven't blogged in about a month.  Many of you have e-mailed me or left comments asking how we're doing, which I really appreciate. 

And the truth is, we're doing okay.  Not wonderful, but okay.

Don't worry; it's not Connor.  He's fine.  More than fine actually-- he's thriving right now.  It's just that it turns out that this parenting two kids thing is kind of tough.  I know, who would have guessed, right?  It's without a doubt the best thing I've ever done and I have zero regrets, but I'm not going to pretend it's all roses and sunshine over here.  Our daughter is dealing with some really big feelings, and she's still developing the tools she needs to handle them.  Things are slowly improving, but it's a process that's going to take a long time.  She's a fantastic kid and a survivor, and she's learning and growing in leaps and bounds every day.  But we are definitely experiencing some challenging parenting moments right now.

So one of the reasons why I haven't been blogging is that I've been trying to figure out where my boundaries are in terms of transparency and honesty versus being sensitive about respecting our daughter's privacy.  I've always been a fairly open and frank blogger in terms of how I write about my experiences, but I want to make sure that what I'm putting down here is something that "Ellen" will be okay with having in the public eye.  Once her English improved to the point where I'm sure she understood what I was asking, I had a discussion with her about how comfortable she is with me writing about her.  She gave me pretty much free reign.  That's a tremendous gesture of trust in me on her part, and I want to make sure I honor that. 

So I'm still hashing out exactly how much detail I'll go into in regards to exactly what issues we're dealing with around here. Please bear with me on that one, okay?  I don't want to give you the impression that they're life-threatening or anything out of the realm of the ordinary for a child adopted at an older age; in fact we were expecting to potentially deal with much greater issues than what we've seen, and for the most part our girl is doing beautifully.  But the fact remains that she is facing some pretty significant challenges emotionally and behaviorally.  I do want to keep in mind that anyone can see this blog, and I don't want to write anything that might be potentially embarrassing to her in the future if, say, one of her classmates was to stumble upon it.

Another thing we've discussed in recent weeks is exactly what our daughter would like to be called on here.  She's decided to take an American first name when we finalize the adoption in July, and after a bit of experimentation and a lot of poring over baby name books she seems to have settled pretty firmly on one.  She'd like me to start calling her by that name on the blog, and since it's not currently her legal name that isn't a problem in terms of our agreement with our agency.  So she's chosen the name "Eden," and I'll be referring to her here that way from now on.  We'll see if that's still what she wants to go by come July, but she seems pretty stuck on it.  In the meantime, Eden it is! 

Goodness knows she has much better taste than I would have if I'd been given the opportunity to name myself at fifteen.  I was heavily into a hippy-dippy bad poetry phase at the time and probably would have named myself something like "Ebony Rose Skylark Meadowsong."  It would not have been good.

Anyway, now for something completely different.  It's time for a bit more transparency on another topic, which will also help explain my recent absence from the Internet.  I kept this concealed at the time for a variety of reasons, few of which apply anymore, so now I can share.  Savvy readers might have noticed that pictures and writing about Jer dropped off sharply a few months ago.  I think I mentioned once waaaaaaaaaaaay back in 2010 that he was taking prerequisite classes in preparation for applying to the army's Physician's Assistant Program, and then I never said anything about it ever again.  What I've been neglecting to mention for, um, a while is that he applied, and he was accepted (of course, as the man is brilliant-- not that I have a biased opinion or anything), and he started up the program last July.  It happens to be on the other side of the country-- down south in Texas.

And we, of course, couldn't go with him.

Connor doesn't sweat, and taking him down to live in an area that gets to 115 degrees in August would be a Rather Poor Parenting Decision on our part.  So we made the extremely difficult decision to do the long-distance marriage thing until the first part of Jer's PA school is complete.  We're then really hoping he'll be able to get a special dispensation to move back up this way for the second phase of PA school.  I'm so proud of him and he's been doing very well in school, which is no surprise.  I also miss him terribly.  He's been gone for about ten months now, and we have about eight months left to go.  In other words, I've been doing the sort-of-single-parent thing for nearly a year now. 

This is not particularly fun.

We talk to him every day, of course, and Skype when our lousy Internet connections allow for it.  He's able to visit us during semester breaks as well, which is pretty fantastic.  And he's not deployed, which we're very grateful for.  But it's pretty hard not having him here, and I'm definitely being stretched in a lot of ways.  As a result, when I'm not dreaming about Jer being home again, a lot of my current fantasies involve going away for a whole weekend to some little Bed and Breakfast with a maid, a 24-hour tea and chocolate service, a large bathtub and a suitcase full of books.  And I would go there By Myself.  To be All Alone.  And it would be marvelous.

I don't want to make it sound like things are falling apart around here.  They aren't.  We're actually having a lot of wonderful moments.  In the past month Connor had his birthday, took his first step ever in a walker (and then got very surprised when we started cheering and refused to do it again), Eden got her ears pierced, went roller skating, and discovered the wonders of fresh-picked corn on the cob from the farmer's market and I've spent a ton of time playing out in the garden.  So there's actually been some really wonderful stuff happening around these parts.

But in the process of trying to avoid talking about Jer being gone and figuring out what to say or not say about Eden and also doing the eight bajillion things that one does as a parent of a seven year old and a teenager, blogging started to seem less like a pleasure and more like extra work.  And if there's one thing I don't need around here right now, it's extra work.  So I stopped and took a step back.  And it was only yesterday that I realized I was beginning to genuinely miss writing here to you, and I knew it was time to start up again. 

So sorry for disappearing on you all like that.  I'm still here, we're still trucking along, and I'm still going to write about it.  No guarantees on quality, but I'm going to do my best to get back in the habit of writing every day. 

Thanks for being patient with me!

~Jess

In Which This Girl Should Not Be On Fire

I've had the stomach bug for a few days and now that I'm recovered, the kids seem to be coming down with it. It's almost ten in the morning and they're both still asleep, which is a practically unheard-of occurrence in this household.  Hopefully they'll be over it quickly!

We're three months in now, which is hard to believe, and we're still completely in love with our girl.  We're still having many new experiences, and since her English is growing by leaps and bounds we're learning more and more about her every day!  Yesterday I brought out my old makeup and let her play with it on me and do my hair, which was definitely a new experience for us both.  I told her she could be "as crazy as she wanted," and she took me at my word and lunged for the dark green glitter eyeshadow.

I ended up with eye shadow up past my eyebrows, the entire upper half of my cheeks painted bright pink, crimson lipstick and wildly teased hair.  She had an absolute blast.  I wanted to post a picture to show all of you, but she made me swear not to put on online.  Evidently she was either worried about protecting my reputation or she's trying to protect hers.  She has no idea that it's way, way too late-- thanks to roller derby I've already worn my underwear on the outside of my clothing in public and thus have no reputation left to protect.  Either way she's adorable. But I promised her, so you'll just have to imagine how fabulous I looked.

Now that her English is coming along well, we've had some funny misunderstandings.  The other day she was at swim practice and one of the kids on her team started singing "This Girl Is On Fire."  She was very concerned.  "What girl?  Why she on fire?  Not good!"  She thought the girl should find some water and jump in right away.

We're still working on idioms.

Connor's had a couple of small seizures this week, but overall the medication seems to be working well for him.  I've been a bit worried about how taking him to Ellen's swim practices and meets would work out, as it can get pretty warm and humid in there and we're always worried about his core temperature getting too high.  So far so good, though.  He actually seems to really enjoy going to the practices, probably for a couple of reasons.  He seems to like watching the swimmers-- as long as he doesn't have to get in the water, he seems to think all of the splashing and whatnot is pretty cool-- and he likes the two hours of uninterrupted snuggle time.  I'm doing my best to make sure that both kids get some one-on-one time every week, but it's quite the adjustment for a kid who is used to being the undivided center of attention 24/7.  I think you get that same adjustment any time you have a new sibling in the house.

He'll get a chance to shine soon on stage; Connor is going to be in a talent show!  It's in April and is being put on by his therapy center.  He's going to be clapping along with a group of kids to a song; I'm excited to see him on stage!  We're bringing the video camera for sure.

~Jess

In Which These Little Piggies Came Home

Just a word of warning-- Connor went to bed at about four thirty in the morning, and his meds were due at six.  So I'm just a tad bit loopy writing this.  Don't expect a masterpiece.

Anyway, I'd like to introduce you to the two new members of our wacky little household!

This is Coffee:

And this is Sugar!  Ellen named them herself.

Yesterday morning, Ellen and I hopped in the van and drove out to a farm about a half an hour away.  And there in the loft of a large horse barn, we found a cozy room full to the brim with squealing, happy guinea pigs.  There were A LOT of guinea pigs-- all of them either from animal shelters, surrenders or unexpected babies from people who thought they were buying two males or females from a pet store and then ended up with four or five bonus guinea pigs a few weeks later.  There were easily well over a hundred guinea pigs in this room, happily running around large open pens in groups of four or five.

We pretty immediately determined that we weren't interested in adopting a pair of babies.  Though they were all adorable-- miniature copies of the adults slightly larger than a deck of cards-- they were also much more nervous and tended to race around a lot faster than the grown guinea pigs.  While Ellen is very gentle and careful with animals, she does have some coordination issues with her left hand and I could see that it would be much more difficult for her to handle a smaller animal.  Also, we knew that the babies would likely be adopted out faster, and Ellen felt strongly that we should bring home animals that had been waiting for a while.  So we decided to look at the older piggies.

There were so many lovely older guinea pigs that it was still going to be really difficult to choose.  We held several different pairs of girls and boys, and they were all beautiful, spunky piggies.  But there was one particular pair that caught our attention pretty quickly.  They'd come in together from an animal shelter, and had an unknown history and no names.  One was a happy, very tame black, white and brown girl who absolutely loved taking treats and sat calmly in Ellen's lap.  The other was a much smaller all-white girl with red eyes, who was a bit more shy.  They were in with two other guinea pigs, one of whom was also available for adoption.

It was one offhand comment that sealed the deal.  After she told us that the tri-color guinea pig could go with either the white guinea pig she'd come in with or the other adoptable pig in the run, the woman in charge of the shelter said that "the white ones with red eyes usually spend their whole lives here at the shelter, because people don't think they are as attractive."  Ellen was outraged and immediately leapt to the guinea pig's defense.  "But she beautiful," she said.  "Her red eye beautiful.  I see her, I think, oh, red eye she beautiful.  Why they do that?  Why they not pick her?  Not good.  Why they only pick baby?  Why they think she look not good?" 

"I don't know, sweetheart," I told her, "But it's not fair.  All of the guinea pigs deserve families." 
"Yeah, not fair," she said.
"Do you want to take this guinea pig home?"  I asked, already knowing the answer.
"Yes, she have home now.  Don't worry, you have home now," she told the oblivious guinea pig, who was happily munching on a carrot.  "You beautiful."

So we signed the paperwork that promised we would care for the guinea pigs.  We carefully put them in the carrier with a towel and some hay, and they rode on Ellen's lap all the way back to the house.  "Shh," she told them.  "It okay." 

"You beautiful.  You have home now.  Shh, shh, it okay.  I love you.  It okay."

"You come home."

~Jess

In Which We Do A Lot Of Stuff And Things

I'm afraid I may have to turn on that darn "weed out the spambots" button-- the spam is getting kind of ridiculous now and I have quite a bit less time to spend deleting it all, dang it.

We had an extremely busy week around here!  Connor went almost ten days without seizures, which was pretty exciting.  He had about a twenty second one yesterday and a fifteen second one today, so that trend may be over.  We'll see what tomorrow brings.

The little guy had a progress report done in physical therapy yesterday.  He's now able to straighten his legs about twenty more degrees than he could a few months ago, so that's some movement in the right direction!  Connor's hamstrings are still somewhat constricted-- he can extend his legs to a 150 degree angle rather than a 180 degrees-- but any improvement in his flexibility is fantastic.  With kids who sit in a wheelchair most of the time like Connor does, hamstring shortening tend to be inevitable and if they get bad enough children can need surgery to be comfortable.  So I'm glad we're keeping him as limber as we can!

Ellen had her second swim meet this past weekend; it was a two-day affair and she swam eight events total.  She did a fantastic job, and we're pretty proud of her!  She's told us that in Thailand she didn't get to swim in very many competitions each year and they were all against other children with disabilities, so she's not quite used to this swim-meet-with-typical-kids-every-couple-of-weeks thing yet.  She had a really good time, though she was pretty tired by the end of the weekend!  She's starting to open up more to the other kids and seems to be making some friends; it was pretty neat to see all the other kids cheering for her as she raced.

I had a meeting with her teachers today; I hadn't met most of them yet and this was a good time for a check-in.  We also wanted to get the ball rolling on a 504 plan for her, and talk a little bit with her teachers about how Ellen's education might be affected by cultural differences between Thailand and the USA, her cerebral palsy, long number of years in institutionalized care, and her adoption.  All of her teachers seemed very nice and they all had wonderful things to say about her-- she's is a very eager student.  She really seems to love school and is pretty enthusiastic about learning.

Tomorrow morning she and I have an appointment up at the rescue center to pick up a pair of guinea pigs!  Unfortunately the rescue is not wheelchair accessible, so Connor has to stay home.  But I'm sure the whole family will spend quite a bit of time staring into the guinea pigs' ridiculously huge cage (no seriously, this thing is HUGE) once we get them home.  Ellen and I set the cage up today, and so it's all ready for its new occupants.  She's decided that she wants a pair of boy guinea pigs, though she may change her mind once we get there and she has to choose.  We've been talking a lot about how the guinea pigs might be "feeling" after leaving all the other guinea pigs and coming to a new, strange family.  I think the guinea pigs are going to be a rather important tool for expressing emotions around here for a while!

~Jess

In Which Things Are Looking Up

Things have settled down around here a bit in the last couple of days.  I suspect we're going to be taking two steps forward and one step back for quite a while, but we'll keep soldiering along and eventually things will get better.  Thanks for all of your encouraging words; Ellen's an extraordinary girl and we're going to support her every step of the way.

Connor hasn't had any seizures now for about a week!  That's pretty exciting given how many he was having before the medication change.  I'd say so far so good-- we haven't seen any major side effects and he's continuing to do well.  We'll visit the neurologist again in a few months, and hopefully we'll be able to give him a good report!

We spent quite a bit of time rearranging Ellen's room today in preparation for a couple of new residents!  We've found a guinea pig rescue organization in the area and are currently doing our homework in preparation for bringing home a pair of cute piggies.  Ellen is extremely excited and the idea of getting a couple of guinea pigs from a rescue organization struck a real chord with her; we think they'll be a great addition to the household.  She's very gentle with our other animals and I think guinea pigs will be a good fit for her.  So there is now a ridiculously large cage sitting in her room waiting for the newcomers.  Seriously-- this thing is huge.  I'm pretty sure I could sleep in it without too much trouble.

Anyway, between the guinea pigs, the cats, and our (positively geriatric) gerbils, we'll have quite the menagerie! 

~Jess

In Which The Kids Seesaw

For the past three days Connor hasn't thrown up once or had a single seizure!  I'm pretty excited about that, as I've been running through a lot of oxygen and laundry detergent around here.  We don't think the little guy was sick; it was probably his body adjusting to his new medication that's been giving him some trouble. I'm hoping that this lovely trend continues!

He and Ellen had an impromptu musical session today involving a drum (Connor) and an ice cream container that was extremely cute and left them both grinning ear-to-ear.  It was really sweet to see their little heads pressed together-- one jet black and the other so blond it almost looks white.  Ellen has an incredible amount of patience for her brother and he absolutely adores her.  I'm so glad they're getting along so well!

I'm sorry to say that Ellen is having a difficult time right now.  She's doing a lot of grieving (which is completely understandable) and is spending a lot of time expressing her considerable anger and frustration.  I'm not going to go into any details on here as I want to respect her privacy, but she's definitely hit a bit of a rough spot right now.  It's really hard to see her struggling, knowing that while we can empathize with her, there's nothing we can do to truly understand what she's going through or to make those feelings go away for her right now.  Being a teenager is rough enough without throwing all the stuff she's dealing with on top of the pile.  We'll keep giving her reassurance that things will eventually get better and continue to help her work through her feelings during this time of emotional upheaval. 

I restocked my chocolate supply and then took a long bubble bath with a book while the kids were in school today, which was not a bad way to spend an hour or so.  I figure that the less stressed out I am, the better equipped I am to help my kids out when they're having issues.  Luckily the kids seem to be alternating who's having a rough time of it, so I'm not dealing with both of them imploding at once yet.  I have no doubt we'll eventually add that no-doubt fun experience to our list at some point, but I'm glad they're easing Jer and I into this whole parenting two children thing! 

~Jess

In Which We Do All The Things

I'm going to start trying to get up a bit early so I can blog.  I have the unfortunate problem that I like to be alone to write so I can do it uninterrupted, which is why I used to do it right before bed.  Now, however, I have a kid who won't go to bed until I do.  She knows when I go to bed because she's currently sleeping in mine.  This makes for a lot of early nights.  So if I want alone time right now, I have to sneak out while she's asleep. 

Ellen isn't a big fan of spending any time by herself right now, which is understandable.  This is a kid who had literally never been by herself before leaving Thailand, and so going from a large orphanage to our tiny household and having to spend some of that time alone is a big deal for her.  And of course, since I need to be eyes-on with Connor whenever he's awake, I'm used to having very little time to myself.  I didn't realize just how much I crave and need that bit of alone time in the evening to center myself (and do things like blog) until I didn't have it any more.

So I'm going to be making an effort to shift my blogging and sleeping habits and get up a bit early to write and have some time to myself.  Right now while the kids are in school that time is pretty easy to find.  It's when the summer gets here that I'll need to get creative!  With Jer in school full-time, the kiddos will be spending pretty much all of their waking hours with me.  Hopefully I can establish some habits that will allow me to have that time to myself, so that I can sit down, drink a quiet cup of tea and catch you all up on what's going on around here.

For the most part things are going well!  On Tuesday, Ellen is going to what will probably be her last appointment for a little while, to the eye doctor.  Apparently she saw an eye doctor when she was four years old and was given glasses, but when she outgrew them she didn't get any more.  The nurse at her school shot me an e-mail the other day telling me that Ellen's eyesight on their low-tech screening was about 30/50.  We suspect she has a bit of strabismus in her left eye too, which is really common among kids with her type of cerebral palsy.  So she'll be going in to get her eyes checked.  She says that if she needs to wear something she wants contacts.

She'll also be getting an ankle foot orthotic (AFO) for her left foot, which rolls in quite a bit when she walks.  She comes down pretty hard on that foot because her left leg is shorter than her right, and so the problem is slowly getting worse.  Thankfully, an AFO should be able to help correct those issues quite a bit.  She wasn't enthusiastic about the idea of an AFO, which I'm not surprised by at all once she described the ones she wore as a kid, which were those heavy metal over-the-knee braces that I'm pretty sure they stopped making after about the 70s.  Once she learned, though, that the AFO would be similar to Connor's and would help prevent her from needing surgery later she was much more okay with the idea.

Connor is doing well; the new seizure medication seems to be helping.  He had a nasty round of seizures a few days ago that seemed to correspond with a short stomach bug, but then he was fine.  We've managed to miss the big norovirus outbreak up here so far, which I am extremely thankful for!  I'm not ready to figure out the One Child Sick And One Child Well situation yet, let alone navigate the whole glorious Mom Is Sick And Everyone Else Is Fine thing.  I've included an only moderately blurry picture of him in a colorful outfit and his leg extension braces to make up for not blogging in a while.  As you can see, he got a haircut and is rapidly advancing to the Handsome Not-So-Little Boy stage of proceedings.  Sigh.  Oh, and here's a picture of a moose.  Because you know, it's a moose.

We've done a TON of other stuff this week that I'm not going to blog about because it would take way too long, which is what happens when I don't blog every day. Ellen picked out an American name she wants to legally change her name to, we cooked a meal together in the kitchen for the first time, Connor is going to be in a drumming performance, we took a trip to Northwest Trek (hence the moose), Ellen tried out Girl Scouts. . . the list goes on.  Things are decidedly not dull around here.  But if I tried to blog about all of it now, this thing would be 80 bajillion pages long.  I hate that I'm not writing all of this down so I can remember it later.  So that's motivation for me to get back to writing!

~Jess

In Which We Take The Plunge

Connor only had three seizures today, so we're moving in the right direction.  Hopefully as we continue to titrate up towards his full therapeutic dose we'll see his seizures start to taper off.  So far we haven't seen a lot of side effects as far as his new med goes, though he did throw up quite a bit today. 

Ellen had her first swim meet here, and she did very well!  At first she didn't want to go, but as I dragged her to it anyway and as I expected once she got there she threw herself into it.  I'm starting to know her moods and figure out a little bit about what makes her tick, and I've noticed that she's not a huge fan of new situations (though she almost always ends up having a blast once she gives them a go).  I think this was her first time racing with typical kids, and she was pretty nervous about it.  Everybody cheered for her and she beat her best times in all of her races, so by the end of the night she was really enjoying herself. 

It was neat to hear the other kids cheering for Ellen and wishing her good luck; as her English has been improving and her obviously outgoing character has started shining through I've started noticing that more and more kids are saying hello to her at swimming and school.  She's started mentioning friends in her classes, and it's really nice to see that kids are being helpful and welcoming.  I've been pretty worried about her, since in my opinion middle school kids sometimes can be the Meanest People On The Planet due to their hormones grabbing the reins and taking over from common sense, but so far so good! 

~Jess

In Which I Plant A Tree And Get A Hug

I spent a good portion of today working on my little bog garden in the backyard.  Sometimes when there's a lot of upheaval in the house, I find myself wanting to work on projects in the garden even though there are a ton of other ways my time could probably be better spent right now.  I think there's something about making a home for growing things that eases my mind and helps me relax and recenter myself.  And it's so lovely to make a tour of the garden every day and see what plants are just starting to wake up from their long winter sleep.

So I hauled around dirt and rocks and didn't even bother with gloves because I wanted to get my hands right down in the soil.  I planted a little Nishiki willow, which will have glorious pink, green and white dappled leaves in the springtime, and put in some crocus bulbs even though it's hardly the season to be planting them.  Crocus are hardy little things, and the squirrels leave them alone here since they have a bird feeder to focus on instead.

Hopefully the willow will give the small birds a bit of cover through a good portion of the year.  I moved my bird feeder out into the center of my yard since the cats were eating so many of my birds, and all it seems to have accomplished is that instead of a cat feeder I now have a hawk and owl feeder.  I looked outside today to discover a Coopers hawk actually sitting on top of the bird feeder stand and plucking all the feathers off of an unfortunate little sparrow before gulping it down.  I went out there after he was finished and it looked like a down pillowcase had exploded in my yard.  Huzzah!

Admittedly the predatory birds are pretty cool to watch and definitely an improvement over the cats, as they don't kill things and then leave them on my back porch as presents.  I should probably just hum "The Circle of Life" under my breath and carry on.  But I think I'm going to plant a few more things that the little birds can hide in.  I'd like to at least give the poor little things a sporting chance.

Connor is still having seizures (he had four today), but otherwise he was in good spirits.  He's made up a sign for Ellen and it's really cute to watch how excited he gets when he comes home from school and sees her sitting on the couch.  It's pretty great how quickly they've bonded and to watch Connor interact with his sister.  She wants him to sit next to her all the time, and he wants to hold her hand and give her a million love butts.  It's pretty cute.

We hit a big milestone today; this evening Ellen gave me a spontaneous hug for the first time ever! I didn't make a big to-do of it because that might scare her off, but I really wanted to tear up, throw confetti and then do a happy dance around the house.  Then later she actually asked me to give her a hug, which is even more of a big deal.  It's the first time she's verbally asked me for any sort of physical contact.  Best.  Day. Ever.  I think I've got a lot more hugs and snuggling to look forward to in the future!

She's also asking us more questions about her adoption and what makes up a family, and as her English improves we're providing those basic definitions and grabbing as many teachable moments as we can.  She's doing her best to navigate this new, mystifying and sometimes terrifying world and she's doing it with more grace and aplomb than we ever could have imagined. 

In Which We Do More Stuff

Connor had four seizures today. Bleagh!  It didn't seem to slow him down any though; he was laughing in his sleep just a little while ago.  Here's hoping he has a better day tomorrow!

We had our first post-placement visit from the social worker today, which went well.  I can't believe we've been home a month already!  Ellen was a bit nervous and she didn't much like leaving school early, but she still behaved herself pretty well.  And of course I predictably lost track of time and so when the social worker got here I was in an apron and on roller skates doing chores and belting out showtunes while wheeling Connor around the house in his stander, so I'm sure I made a great impression too.  Of complete insanity.  Oh well.

Anyway, it's been an extremely busy few days here, so I'm off to bed.  Tomorrow we'll mostly be relaxing, which I think will be much appreciated! 

~Jess

In Which We Go Out In Style

Connor had five seizures today; this trend is not going in the right direction.  I'm waiting to hear back from the neurologist right now, and I'll be taking the little guy in to be weighed tomorrow morning.  It could be he's gained enough weight now that his medication needs adjusting.  It's frustrating to see him scared during these seizures and not be able to do anything besides comfort him; I'm really hoping we'll figure something out soon to get him back on track.

Despite all the seizures we still had a packed day, though.  Ellen went in late to school today because this morning she had her first ever dental appointment.  I'd uploaded a couple of books and games about the dentist to the iPad last week in preparation for the trip, and we spent some time talking about exactly what would happen, how the tools would sound, etc.  Since she knew what to expect she breezed through the appointment, though towards the end of it she was getting impatient because she wanted to get to school.

Thankfully her orphanage had a dental hygiene program and taught all the kids about brushing their teeth.  They also ate fairly well, though I believe she was a bit overly fond of soft drinks while she lived in Thailand.  She had no cavities, and though the enamel on her teeth is a bit thin overall things looked great-- especially when you consider she hadn't ever had a professional cleaning.  They removed all of the tarter and staining, and she walked out with teeth an entirely different color.  It's amazing how dramatic a change a good teeth cleaning can make!

So after her teeth cleaning we grabbed a quick meal and then I dropped her back off at school.  I had a precious few hours to myself, and then it was time for me to pick up Connor.  The kids shed their backpacks at home and ate a quick snack (Ellen) and meal (Connor), and then we took off for the hair salon.

Ellen was really, really excited about cutting her hair, and the closer we got to the appointment the more different she wanted the cut to be.  She's had the same chin-length bob since she was four years old, so changing her hair was a pretty big deal.  By the time we got to the salon she'd settled on an edgy asymmetrical pixie cut that fit her rock star personality.  I was a little worried that she would change her mind once the stylist actually got to work with the scissors, but thankfully she loved it.

So you know how I always say that Connor grows in hair cuts?  Turns out he's not the only kid in this household that does that.  Ellen's new haircut makes her dark eyes look huge and gives her a swan neck.  She looks about twenty-five and absolutely gorgeous.  I'm still debating on whether or not she's allowed to leave the house tomorrow looking like that; she was already a seriously attractive girl and the whiter teeth and new 'do have definitely upped the ante.  I'm so not ready to have boys knocking on our door.

After that we went to the library at Ellen's request for the third time in the past week, which I do not have a problem with at all.  And then we went to the store, and then we went home and collapsed on the couch in exhaustion.

It was quite the day! 

~Jess

In Which We Marvel At Abundance

Connor had another rough day, I'm afraid: four more seizures.  Seems like he's getting into a bit of a seizure cycle right now.  Hopefully we can break out of this and get him back on track; that's about four more seizures than I'd like him to be having per day!  At least these seem to have a really quick recovery time. 

Ellen had a doctor's appointment today so I had a shorter time than usual to get my errands done.  So I popped off to the grocery store shortly after I dropped off the kids.  I'm having to seriously change my grocery shopping habits.  Now I'm making a lunch for Ellen to bring to school, and the child is going through an amazing amount of food.  Whenever we come into the house, practically the first thing she does is check both the fridge and the pantry.  I think she's still delighted by the idea of having access to food at any time of the day. 

Ellen wasn't malnourished when she came to us and she ate three balanced meals a day at her orphanage, but she's definitely got some wiggle room when it comes to her weight.  She's not gorging herself or eating until she throws up (which some newly adopted children do) but she's chowing down on some seriously large portions right now.  I suspect she'll eventually slow down once it really sinks in that there will always be food readily available whenever she wants it, but for now I'll be grabbing a cart instead of a basket when I go to the grocery store and stocking up on easy-to-prepare snacks so she's able to feed herself whenever she's hungry in between meals. 

Sometimes when she comes home and sees that I've bought more food, she gives me a huge hug and exclaims in a delighted voice, "Oh thank you, Mom!"  It makes me smile and breaks my heart a little all at the same time.  When I was growing up, I took it for granted that there was plenty of food whenever I wanted it.  Now that I have a kid who is overcome with gratitude when she sees that I've restocked us up on peanut butter, I realize what a luxury that truly was. 

Connor's weight seems to be relatively stable right now, though he needs to go for another weigh-in soon.  I suspect he's in the middle of another growth spurt; certainly he seems heavier to me when I'm carrying him around!  Or maybe I'm just losing my muscles since I'm not playing roller derby right now, and he just seems heavier.  If he has gained a significant amount of weight that might be what's causing the seizures-- his medication levels might need to be adjusted up.

Guess we'll have to see!

~Jess

In Which We Do All The Things

 Connor had a bit of a rough day today; he had four seizures and spent a good portion of it sleeping on the couch.  So far as I can tell he's not sick; the medication change just doesn't seem to be working for him.  So I'll be calling the doctor this week to see what we need to do next.  Despite his seizures and the napping, he was otherwise in good spirits today.  He spent quite a bit of his free time grabbing his favorite stuffed animal (Gobo from Fraggle Rock), throwing him onto the floor and giggling.  It's pretty awesome to see him using his hands like that despite having that many seizures today; to me it shows that they aren't affecting him nearly as much as the apneic and cyanotic seizures did.

As Ellen acquires more English and is able to better express herself, I'm learning more about her life at the orphanage and what makes her tick.  I've set a goal for myself to try and find out one new thing about her a day, and so far that's been pretty easy to do.  I found out today that she had a friend at the orphanage who had seizures, so that's why Connor's seizures don't scare her.  And I also found out that she apparently never, ever wants kids because she helped take care of a lot of the smaller children at the orphanage and so dislikes little children as a general rule (though she makes an exception for Connor).  We'll see if that conviction holds when she's older.  Sounds like babysitting the neighborhood kids for a summer job once she's older is probably not going to be her first choice to earn extra spending money, though.


Anyway, we've got quite a few firsts coming up this week.  On Tuesday we'll be going in for Ellen's first-ever haircut in a salon.  Apparently one of the caretakers at the orphanage cut her hair in the past and she's never gotten to choose how she wanted it; she's had the same chin-length bob since she was about four years old. 

We'll see how this goes; she really wants to get her hair cut so her bangs aren't in her eyes, and yet when I ask her how she wants it cut she basically says that she wants it to be exactly the way it is right now-- including the bangs in her eyes.  She's not a huge fan of change.  But she doesn't want to have to braid her bangs to get them out of her eyes anymore, and she refuses to use any hair products whatsoever to get them out of the way, so something needs to change. 

I bought her a couple of hair magazines to look through.  She leafed through all 2700 or so hair styles and declared that she didn't see any she liked.  Eventually after a bit of digging I figured out that she was simply way overwhelmed by so many choices, which isn't really all that surprising.  So I opened one of the magazines up and told her to pick out her favorite hairstyle on each spread, which I then circled. 

Once we'd gone through the whole magazine I cut out all the circled hairstyles, ending up with about twenty-five.  Then I showed them to her in pairs and asked her to pick which one she liked better.  I discarded the one she didn't choose and then made up a new pair.  I kept going through them over and over until we'd narrowed it down to four hairstyles-- all of which are bobs that are slightly edgier than what she has now.  We'll take those to the hairdresser, who hopefully will be able to cut her hair in a way that won't be too big of a change but will make her happy. 

Ellen also wants to dye her hair brown, but I think one change at a time is probably going to be the way to go; plus dying her gorgeous jet-black hair any color at all is going to be a pretty major production.  So we'll ease into that.


I, on the other hand, have been informed that I'm never, ever ever allowed to get my hair cut.  Ever.  Apparently while Ellen is (sort of) okay with a change on her own hair, she absolutely is not okay with a change in mine.  I think at this point since so many other things in her life are constantly different, Mom is supposed to stay exactly the same and therefore, safe.  So despite my three inches worth of split ends, I won't be getting my hair cut any time soon.  I drew the line when she told me I wasn't allowed to dye it, though.  Sorry, kiddo-- that's not happening.

Anyway, so she's also going to be going to the dentist for the first time ever.  I think I'm dreading that appointment more than she is; I'm really hoping that things will go smoothly and she'll need a minimum of work on her teeth.  She has amazingly straight teeth already, so I doubt she'll need braces.  Going fifteen years without any tooth cleaning though makes me wonder whether or not those straight teeth are going to turn out to be full of holes, though.  She's definitely got some major plaque buildup, so I wouldn't be surprised. 

We'll just have to see; she at least has been brushing her teeth, though I haven't been able to convince her she needs to do it more than once a day.  And she's never flossed her teeth before either.  We're working on it.

And finally, we've got our first post-placement visit coming up as well.  We'll have a social worker visiting our house and asking about how things are going.  So it's going to be an extremely busy week!

~Jess

In Which We Have A Busy Week

So it's been an extremely busy week around here-- so busy I actually haven't been on the computer in a few days.  I was worried at the beginning of the week that Connor was getting sick, but he seems to be holding his own.  He's still having some seizures, but they haven't been as bad as they were before we upped his medication.  He's supposed to have a visit to the neurologist in March, and I'm sure they'll check his levels there and make sure that we're on track.  We're calling these new seizures his "revival seizures" because he looks like he's raising the roof at a prayer revival when he has them.  But thankfully his oxygen levels only dip down into the high sixties and low seventies while he's having one instead of the twenties like his previous seizures. 

We actually haven't seen any of those seizures since these new ones started; it's interesting how his seizures keep evolving-- and for the better.  We've gone from seizures where he stops breathing to seizures with severely restricted breathing to seizures where he breathes relatively well considering he's, you know, having a seizure.

Ellen has discovered the library and checked out her first movies and videos this week.  When we walked in for the first time she gave the interior of the building a wide-eyed look, grabbed my arm and exclaimed "Mommy, beautiful!" This is a kid after my own heart, can you tell?  Anyway, she's been checking out movies about dance and sports, and some easy reader books so we can practice her reading, which is coming along well.  She's definitely on Level One Easy Readers right now, but I think that will change quickly.

She's been settling in well and we're getting into a good routine.  She and Connor are getting along well too.  We're slowly exploring the area and figuring out all the fun places to go (besides the mall of course, which is already a favorite).  This weekend we tried the aquarium and Pike Place Market, but both were a bit too crowded for either of the kids to really have a good time.  We might hold off on some of the more touristy areas until we can go on a weekday in the summertime; hopefully they'd be less crowded than on a weekend during the school year. 

It seems like just about every waking moment for me is now filled up with things to do.  I'm doing a lot more laundry, dishes, etc (though I've got some help with those since our girl is a good washer) and we're going through groceries a lot faster.  I think she's making up for lost time; the kid is tiny so I have absolutely no idea where she is putting that much food!  I swear I've gained about ten pounds since she got home too; I'm used to kind of snacking through the whole day rather than having solid meals, and now I'm at least having breakfast and dinner and still snacking through the day.  Guess I need to kick that habit! 

Anyway, I'm going to try and write a blog a little more consistently; it's difficult for me to get into the swing of writing during the day.  Right now I literally have a kid looking over my shoulder (think she's wanting to get on the computer) so it's a bit harder for me to concentrate.  This is pretty typical of my day while both kids are home; alone time is kind of scarce around here right now.  I'm not sure what the best time to write it going to be!  But never fear; I'll work it out, gentle readers. 

~Jess

In Which We Celebrate A Birthday

Ellen had a great birthday yesterday!

She slept in late yesterday morning, something I was probably way more excited about than she was.  This kid is a serious morning person-- as in the kind of ridiculously upbeat, cheery person in the mornings that I used to be before I had kids and could never sleep in again.  But she and Connor both slept in late, so I got to get back in bed after giving Connor his medication and lounge around until nearly eight o' clock.  Bliss!

Anyway, so after everyone got up and moving, we sang the happy birthday song and opened presents.  The child was relatively blasé about our gifts, which included a hat, pair of jeans and shirts in her required color scheme (black, white and black).  The clothes that her aunt and grandmother sent proved to be a much bigger hit, as they were not only black and white but also had skulls on them.  Basically what I have is a teenager who wants to look like she's in a death metal band, but has not figured out yet that it's uncool to hold her Mom's hand in public.  I do not have a problem with this.

Then we left Connor with the nurse and took off for Thai lessons.  It turned out the place was nearly deserted because of the Seahawks game, so we left after about half an hour as there was only one student there and no teachers.  Oh well!  We drove from there to the mall; Ellen had received a gift card to JC Penny's from her great grandparents and she wanted to see what she could find with it.

I think Ellen still finds department stores a bit overwhelming; there are a lot more choices than she's probably used to having in terms of clothing and accessories.  I'm pretty sure the kid's not used to having choices period, so we've come a long way in the past few weeks.  She found a pair of flipflops to wear at her swimming class that were shockingly not in black (probably because they didn't have any black) and then we went to look at jackets.  She hasn't quite adjusted to the 35 or so degree temperature difference between here and Thailand yet, so she's wearing her coat pretty much at all times.  I think she wanted another option besides her competition jacket from Thailand and the black hoodie we bought her before we came home. 

And she found one, after carefully perusing the store a couple of times.  It's a, to quote the tag, "black faux fur bomber jacket."  Basically it looks like they took a knit jacket, skinned several stuffed animal pumas and affixed them to the front and back of it in a sort of furry hooded vest, um, thing.  And as she happily tried it on my brain was having a little argument with itself.  Half of it was going "She's making choices!  This is a good thing!  And she's expressing a personal style!" and the other half was saying "Wait-- she's going to wear that in public?"

I guess this is probably the same thing just about any mom of a teenager goes through.  But it wasn't suggestive, offensive, or inappropriate for a kid her age-- it was just something that I would never, under any circumstances, be caught dead wearing.  Any hey, it was her gift card, and as long as what she wants to buy fits under the not offensive, inappropriate or suggestive rule, it's her money and she can spend it how she wants.  So she bought the jacket, and she happily wore it to school today.  And I say good for her-- she's dressing how she wants to dress and figuring out who she wants to be, and that's a pretty fantastic thing.

Anyway, so then we went out and found her strawberry cake.  Normally I would make one, but she'd absolutely fallen in love with a very pretty cake at the Asian grocery store the other day and I was doubtful that I would be able to recreate it at home.  So we bought a cake this year.  Next year I hope she'll know enough people to have a party and there will be more people to share it with, but in the meantime, more cake for me.

We came home, lounged around for a while as Connor had his quiet time and she showed me several more Youtube videos of herself on national television in Thailand.  I'm still rather stunned by the sheer number of times Ellen has been on TV.  She's been in a soap opera, done a fashion show, and a bunch of interviews with various celebrities who were raising money for her orphanage.  Seriously if I hadn't seen the proof with my own eyes I'd be tempted to think she was making up stories, but this kid has, for example, met the entire Liverpool soccer team (and been given an autographed ball by them) and hung out with more Thai pop stars than I can count.

We had no idea about any of this when we started the process to adopt her, but it helps explain why she's such an interesting mix of mature and naive, and also why she's so open to new experiences.  This is a kid who walked a runway in the Thai equivalent of American Idol when she was seven years old, but who had never seen a microwave before she started exploring our kitchen.

At any rate, whatever the reason behind why she is who she is, she's a pretty awesome kid.    

We went to dinner at her favorite Thai restaurant, where they served her some homemade coconut ice cream for her birthday.  And then we went home, lit the candles on her cake, sang happy birthday again and all ate a piece of what actually turned out to be raspberry and not strawberry cake but was still delicious.  Really, it's hard to go wrong with cake.  She declared it to be a "Good good birthday, Mom!  Yaaaay!" in that bubbly, enthusiastic way she throws herself at life in general, so I think she had a pretty great day.

That's my girl!

~Jess

In Which We Take The Air

Today was such a fun day!

We got up bright and early to get to the visa office first thing in the morning.  That part was not particularly fun.  But after we turned in Ellen's old visa and received the appointment card for her new visa (which we will pick up on Wednesday) we hopped back in the van with Miss Oh and her very nice driver and headed off to one of the floating markets south of Bangkok.

As a side note, I don't normally make recommendations on here but if you are adopting from Thailand I highly suggest you hire Miss Oh to help you in country.  She knows the ins and outs of the adoption process here extremely well and has been absolutely invaluable to us here.  We'd probably be in big trouble right now without her help, since our process has been much more complicated than we anticipated.

Anyway, so the floating market was pretty amazing.  This is perhaps the first truly touristy thing we've done in Thailand, and I think we saw more Caucasian people there than we've seen in all of our travels through the country so far!  We didn't buy anything on the tour because everything was pretty expensive (and we could find the souvenirs cheaper in Bangkok) but we really enjoyed seeing all of the shops and the beautiful boats.  The river shops were so picturesque they almost looked fake; it was nearly impossible to get a bad photograph there.  I would love to see what a real photographer could do with the location!

After that we drove another fifteen minutes or so down the road to an area where they were offering elephant rides!  They were a bit pricey-- about twenty dollars a person for a twenty minute ride-- so Jer and Ellen went on one together and I waited back at the loading area.  Apparently the ride was quite lovely; they went through a river, saw some very sleepy monkeys and a small monitor lizard, and just enjoyed the beautiful plantations and scenery. 

So we got back to the hotel around one in the afternoon, and relaxed for a while.  Then we went out to dinner with a friend.  All in all I'd say it was a very nice day!  I think we're going to really enjoy ourselves tomorrow too-- it will be a very laid back day for us. 

We might even sleep in!

~Jess

In Which Connor Is Still Sick And I'm Impatient

Connor stayed home from school again today; he slept until two in the afternoon, woke up for an hour and then slept again until around half past five, when he woke up and decided to be Crabby McCrabberton for the rest of the evening.  So I spent pretty much the entire day watching him sleep on the couch (since he was refusing to sleep in his room with the monitor), which is not nearly as fun as it sounds-- especially since I ran out of chocolate around noon.  That, my friends, is a very sad state of affairs.

Anyway, even though he slept forever and was grumpy this evening I still think he's feeling better than he was yesterday, and I'm hoping he'll be well enough to go to school tomorrow. 

So I spent time today working on our packing list for Thailand, Connor's Book O'Instructions that I'll be leaving for my parents while they take care of the little guy during our trip (yes, my child requires an instruction manual) and starting to wrap up the last details of our travel plans.  I feel like I should make one of those paper countdown chains they're always telling us to do to help our kids cope in the army pre-deployment meetings, only in this case it would be counting down to us leaving instead of coming home. 

Seriously, I swear the wait gets harder every day.  So glad we're in the home stretch!

~Jess

In Which Connor Is Still Sick And I Think About Things I Can't Fix

Connor was sick and stayed home from school today, so I spent a whole lot of time sitting on the couch with him sprawled out across my chest.  I made a big pot of ox-tail soup during one of the breaks where I actually managed to get him to sleep in his bed, but otherwise spent pretty much the entire day in the living room.  I think Connor was conscious about three hours total during the whole day, and the rest of the time he was busy snoozing away and snoring to beat the band.

So since I wasn't going to get much accomplished today, I spent quite a bit of time thinking about our upcoming journey to Ellen.  I'll be on a plane in a mere three weeks and five days, and I'm not remotely ready; there's still so much to do.  At the same time, I wish I was on a plane to her now instead of having to wait a whole twenty-six more days. 

I've been reading a lot of blogs by Asian Americans who were adopted, and a theme that comes up again and again is how out of place a lot of them feel.  Many seem to perceive themselves as not belonging in either the country of their birth or the United States.  Of course these are people who for the most part were adopted at a very young age, and it's been a little difficult to find perspectives from those who were adopted in their teenage years, like Ellen will be.  Ellen already has a strong identity as a Thai person, and so she won't be in quite the same situation as the children who grow up not speaking the language of their birth countries or knowing anything about their first parents' culture. 

Still, things won't be easy for her.

There’s a little gray bird called the American Dipper that lives near fast flowing mountain streams in North and South America.  It’s an unpretentious, rather stocky little thing that possesses an extraordinary ability—it hunts for food by diving into the rapids and flying underwater to search for grubs and insect larva.  This is a bird that is completely at home in the both the air and the stream, and it’s able to effortlessly transition from one to the other without hesitation.

And that’s what I want for my daughter.  I don’t want her to be stuck in an awkward in-between state where she doesn’t fit in anywhere; I want her to be able to move between Thailand and America with the same graceful, natural motion that bird uses to navigate its dual world of water and sky.  This may be entirely impossible; not only are the two cultures very different, but as a person with a disability the reality is that society will try and set her apart no matter where she may find herself.

But I'm learning as much about Thai culture as I possibly can right now, and will continue to do my best to create connections in not just the Thai-American community here, but also the community of people with disabilities as well.

There are things that I can't give her.  I am not-- and will never be-- either adopted or Asian American.  And while there's always the possibility that I could eventually have a disability, it's not something that I've experienced to date.  So I want to do my best to surround her with successful, well-rounded people who are traveling through life with one or more of those personal experiences, so they can give her the perspective and the understanding that I can't.  And while I can never tell her that I "know what she's going through," I can be as educated and as empathetic as possible so I can help her along as she navigates her own road through life.

If I'm honest with myself, what I'd wish most for her and also for Connor would be for them to be ordinary.  I'm not saying that I want to change either of them in the slightest-- I absolutely don't.  But I would love to change the world's perspective so they would be able to move through a crowd, one face in a sea of faces, and not be set apart by their disabilities or life circumstances or by the color of their skin.  I would like my children to be able to travel through the world and be viewed as just people-- not looked down upon or sanctified because of events beyond their control.

I don't want my children to be seen as ugly ducklings or as swans.  I'd like them to be little gray birds half-hidden in twilight, flicking their quiet way low over the water, headed for home.

~Jess