Wednesday, December 30, 2009

In Which I Warn You That This Is Another Post About Poop

This morning we drove to Jeremy's first physical therapy session. Basically it was an assessment where the PT asked about Jer's medical and surgical history, took a close look at his feet and leg, and talked a little bit about what he's already doing. Then we set up appointments for the next month. Jer will be going to physical therapy there three times a week and also continuing with his exercise regime at the YMCA. We're hoping in another month or so he'll be able to start using some forearm crutches and will be able to get out of the chair! Hopefully with the amount of work he'll be putting into building back up muscle and improving flexibility we'll see some quick results!

And that, if you are not interested in hearing about poop, is the last paragraph you should read in this blog entry. Really. Go look at pictures of cute kitties or something instead of reading on.

You can't say I didn't warn you.

Over the last couple of days Connor's appetite has dropped off, and when he started throwing up this morning I figured that the problem might be, joy of joys, impacted bowel. You can read more about this scintillating topic by googling it, but I'm not going to go into too much detail. At any rate, I donned my trench coat and fedora, took a trip to a Walgreens I am now never planning to set foot in again, and bought another pack of pediatric enemas. The day just went downhill from there.

At any rate I believe that I might have solved the problem, though if things don't clear up in the next few days I may need to bring him in to make sure he doesn't also have some sort of infection going on. There are many, many things I didn't realize I was signing up for when I became a parent. Sticking various medically recommended objects up my son's rectum is definitely one of those things that was not mentioned in any parenting book I remember reading. There are a number of other things I don't remember seeing in there, too. I believe I may slip an addendum in the back of What To Expect The First Year.

We could title it Chapter Twenty-Seven: When Things Go Horribly, Horribly Wrong. We could break it up just like the rest of the chapters, each section dealing with appropriate topics. I'm picturing something like this:

FEEDING YOUR BABY: Unconventional Diets

Determining The Nutritional Content Of Things Baby Ate Off The Floor * Cat Food As An Important Source Of Protein * What To Do When Baby Decides To Only Eat Things That Are Purple And Start With The Letter W * Identifying Things You Remove From Baby's Mouth * Proper Treatment Of Laundry Stains After Baby Eats An Entire Box Of Crayons

WHAT YOU MAY BE CONCERNED ABOUT

Baby Smears Poop In Your Hair In A Public Area * Proper Disposal Of Spit-Up After You've Caught It In Your Hand * Enemas As Weapons Of Mass Destruction * Baby Throws Poop On The Ceiling * Baby Throws Up On Santa Claus * Baby Learns The F Word And Thinks Your Reaction Is Funny * Removing Small Objects From Baby's Nose

WHAT IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW

Proper Toxic Waste Disposal * The Gas Mask As Fashion Accessory * How Much Ben And Jerry's Ice Cream and Hard Liquor Is Required After Baby Goes To Sleep To Erase All Memory Of The Previous Events Of The Day

I am especially fond of the last entry under "What It's Important To Know." There'd be a handy trauma scale showing correlation between events that occurred during the day and the corresponding type of ice cream flavor and variety of alcohol required to achieve proper amnesia. I believe this evening would probably rank somewhere between Cherry Garcia washed down with shots of Vodka and Chunky Monkey with Everclear. Since I don't really drink I'd just have to double the amount of ice cream I'd eat to achieve similar results. What else should go in this addendum, do you think?

Um, anyway, I got way, way off topic there but the point I'm trying to make it that it was not a particularly fun day for me. And I'm pretty well 100% sure it was not one of Connor's best days either.

Good night.

~Jess

8 comments:

therextras said...

So pleased that Jer will start PT soon!

(The effects of my particular memory-deleting intake has lasted long enough....what are you talking about?)

Barbara

leah said...

Thank goodness today is over. I think you should be on the advisory board for those "what to expect" books- they clearly don't have enough information regarding "real life" scenarios involving poop and foreign object consumption!

MFA Mama said...

Oh dear. You know that I have a GI kid and feel your pain. So I don't feel terribly horribly TOO bad about having just DIED laughing while reading this. "Enemas As Weapons of Mass Destruction" and "Chunky Monkey with Everclear" are two of my very favorite phrases read from a blog EVER I think :)

xraevision said...

I threw out my copy of What To Expect and the sequel as soon as we returned from X's first hospital stay. I would rather read your book! Perhaps your new library will inspire you to take your writing in this new direction:-)

Julia said...

Oy, ve -- comiseration mixed with hilarity, your usual cocktail! I always love your blog. We had our first bout of projectile vomiting yesterday, accompanied by less explosive but equally gruesome protrusions from the other end. Good luck with de-impacting the bowel, and I'm glad to hear about Jeremy's progress.

Herding Grasshoppers said...

Your book sounds a million times more useful than the standard What to Expect. Humor goes a long way to getting through days like that...

Julie

Katy said...

Laughing out Loud over here.

Wherever HE Leads We'll Go said...

I love your additions to the What to Expect book. Perfect. I think there is a very good reason why we don't know these things ahead of time...NONE of us would have children and the entire human race would die off!

 
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