In Which Connor Finally Feels Better And We Encounter A Sticky Situation

Connor felt better today!  I'm extremely excited about this.  He's also excited, and celebrating by never, ever going to sleep again.  I am slightly less enthusiastic about that development, but hey, I'll take it  if it means he's feeling better.  He's still tired and has that nasty cough, but he had a lot more energy today and his temperature didn't go over 100 degrees.  I'm pretty sure the worst is over, and I'm so, so glad he's on the mend.

Since I had respite care today and felt comfortable leaving the kiddo since he was feeling better, Eden and I went out for some special time together.  We hit the bookstore and then ate at a Japanese restaurant, where I discovered that despite her initial insistence to the contrary, she has no earthly idea how to use chopsticks.  She gave up after the first bite and used a fork to eat her nigiri and maki instead.

 This isn't really surprising, as Thai people use a fork and spoon to eat-- the only time chopsticks are generally used in Thailand is when Chinese food is served-- but I believe the waitress found it rather amusing that the very, very white person (I practically glow in the dark) was obviously comfortable with them and the Asian person at the table had no clue.  I think it's a good skill to know, especially as Eden has expressed interest into going for a business degree and may someday have to know business lunch etiquette, so we'll have to work on it at home.

There's also the unfortunate fact that since Eden is a first-generation immigrant from an Asian country, people are going to automatically assume that she has mad chopstick skills.  This is one of the stupid little stereotypes that nobody really thinks about but definitely exist.  I think it's ridiculous, but there's not a whole lot I can do about it.  While it goes against my grain, I think that it will probably be easier to just teach her how to use them rather than put her in a position where she'll have to explain that not all Asian cultures use chopsticks to her friends every time she goes out to eat a cuisine where they're appropriate.  That might get old really fast.

In the end, basically this is an excuse for me to eat a lot more sushi, so hey, I'm not going to complain  too much.

~Jess

In Which Connor Gets Riled And We're Excited About It

Connor wasn't feeling well today; he threw up at school and again on the way home, so I canceled his physical therapy and took him home.  I suspect he might have a yeast infection starting around his g-tube; it's been red for a while and the over-the-counter antibiotics don't seem to be helping.  So I'll be calling the doctor tomorrow morning to see if I can get him in. 

For the most part, Connor has been doing wonderfully in recent days.  As we continue to go down on his medication he seems to be slowly waking up.  A couple of days ago Jeremy sang him his usual goodnight song, and Connor requested another song.  When Jer told him he'd get another song tomorrow he went into a full-blown pouting session, told him that he was "sad" and once again demanded more music.  Jer told him again that he'd get another song tomorrow, and he actually got mad and starting arguing with his daddy in sign.  "No!  Want Daddy music!" 

Jer and I were delighted.

I know it sounds strange that we'd be happy about our kid being so obstinate over something, but here's the deal: Connor doesn't usually get that worked up about anything-- certainly not enough to pout or argue about it.  He kind of embodies the Thai concept of ไม่เป็นไร, or "mai bpen rai," which literally translates to "no is nothing."  A greatly simplified explanation would be that it means to go with the flow and not let anything bother you.  While this is great in theory, Connor takes it a bit too far; it's extremely difficult to motivate him to work for anything because if a toy he wants is just out of reach or he has to do something even slightly difficult to get what he wants, he loses all interest. 

So it's great to see him really engaging with the world enough to get angry and argue when something he wants isn't happening.  And he's answering questions again rather than just ignoring me when I'm talking to him; through a series of yes/no questions today he was able to tell me that his g-tube site was itchy and sore.  Being able to give me that kind of information about how he's feeling is so amazing and wonderful because (as long as I can figure out which questions to ask) he can let me know what's wrong so we don't get into a situation like we did last winter.

And I love finding out more about what's going on inside that little corn-silk covered head of his.  He's been very carefully puckering and giving me little kisses lately, which absolutely melts my heart.  It's first new skill he's picked up in a long time, and it's something I never expected would happen.  The first few times I wasn't sure if it was deliberate or not, but now I can get kisses on request-- provided he's not ticked at me about something!  I think it's a pretty fantastic new skill to have. 

That's my boy!

~Jess

In Which Connor Loves Hat Music And Makes An Excellent Dog Whistle

Today our night nurse came over to do some day time respite care, which was very nice!  I spent pretty much all four hours of it at Thai lessons, and they were still going when I left. 

In addition to language (which I'm still very bad at as I'm learning to write Thai before I speak it) the teachers are discussing Thai culture and etiquette with me right now, which I think will be tremendously helpful both for the trip and for helping us better understand Ellen when she comes home.  I knew a lot of the big things, like not pointing at anything with your feet or touching anyone's head, but there are a lot a little things to learn too, like how you should never write a living Thai person's name in red ink and it's considered bad luck to have your hair cut on a Wednesday.  Interesting stuff!

Connor got to watch Phantom of The Opera again during respite care while he did his knee extension stretches, and I think it's his new favorite musical.  He's even come up with a name for it-- he calls it "hat music," which I think is his way of referring to the phantom's mask.  I'm pretty sure that means it's passed up Les Misérables for top billing in his mind, since that hasn't been assigned a name.  I'm not sure what a good nickname for Les Mis would be in his vocabulary, which is probably part of the problem.  "24601 music" would be a bit past his signing ability.

So anyway, if you throw in church too it was a very busy day.  It was the Blessing of The Animals service today, and so a lot of the congregation brought their pets.  Connor approves of short sermons because then the breaks between the hymns (his favorite part of the service) aren't so long, and so towards the end of the sermon he decided to help wrap it up by emitting a series of ear-piercing yelps, which set all the dogs in the congregation off.  He's big into the "making a joyful noise" part of things!  Oh well-- luckily no one minds.

He crashed right at seven, and I'm not at all surprised by that.  We've got another busy week coming up, so hopefully he'll sleep well!

~Jess

In Which We Attend A Party For The Moon

Today Connor and I had a very busy day planned, but it didn't end up being nearly as busy as we expected.  He seemed to be feeling pretty good-- other than that lingering cough-- so I figured we'd give it a try and see how things went.

Since it was National Free Museum Day, we had scheduled a play date in the morning with some friends for the Tacoma Children's Museum.  After that, we were going to drive up to Gig Harbor where another friend was holding a grand opening party for her business.  Then finally that evening if Connor wasn't completely exhausted we were going to try and visit the first ever Tacoma Moon Festival.  The Moon Festival is a holiday celebrated in many Asian countries marking the autumn equinox, and the festival was going to be chock full of performances that I knew Connor would love.

Unfortunately none of the kids wanted to cooperate in the morning, so our museum trip was pushed back to early afternoon.  I was the first to arrive, and glanced in the museum windows as I drove past towards the parking lot.  It was wall-to-wall children in there.  Uh oh.  I suppose I should have guessed this would be the case, given the whole "free admission" thing, but suddenly going to the museum didn't look like such a great idea.  Not only was it going to be very, very difficult to maneuver the wheelchair around in there, but the noise level would probably be through the roof.  So I called up our play date and suggested we might want to rethink things.  We agreed to meet up and figure out something else to do.

I decided to feed Connor a quick bit of lunch before we left the parking lot, and I got almost all of it into him before he had a coughing fit and his formula lunch made a reappearance all down his shirt and pants.  Luckily I always carry a backup outfit for him in his wheelchair.  I'd just gotten him into it when he had another coughing fit and the rest of lunch made a second appearance.  Fantastic. 

So we made a long detour to find someplace that sold clothing so that Connor didn't have to spend the rest of the day in wet clothes.  By the time we finished up and made it back on the road it was obvious that there was no way we were going to be able to make that grand opening party, as it was already well into the afternoon and by the time we got to Gig Harbor it would be over.  So we figured that since the Moon Festival was on our agenda anyway we'd move the play date there.

I'm so glad that we went!  Connor had a blast; he loved the Korean drummers, the Taiko drummers, the lion dance-- okay, pretty much anything that involved drums.  He got to examine one of the lion dance costumes close up and see how the dancer made it blink and open and shut its mouth, which he thought was very interesting.  The only time he seemed to get a bit bored was during the boat race; he watched for just a little bit but then quickly requested we move on and get back to watching the Hula lessons and the Cambodian dancers. 

Unfortunately we had to leave just before the Thai cultural exhibition because the kids were pooped, but I'm pretty sure they all had a terrific time.  Next year I'll try and have Connor go down for a bit of quiet time earlier in the day so he (and Ellen, who should be here!) can stay up late and watch the lantern release; I think that's something they would really enjoy.  Someday I'd love to see Yi Peng-- the lantern festival held in Northern Thailand every year. 

Maybe in a few years when we visit Thailand again we'll get the chance to go!

~Jess

In Which I Have Too Much Fun With Cardstock And Tape

Connor was sick again today, so other than a quick run to the store we spent our time at home.  So I used the time while he was napping to sit down with a Thai-English dictionary, some cardstock, and clear tape and get to labeling. 

There are a ton of things that are stored in various bottles and tubes around here-- shampoo, sun block, hand lotion, etc. that Ellen will probably want to use when she gets here.  We've got some clear bottles to put shampoo and conditioner into, and I've also picked up some basic toiletries that won't expire until well after she's home.  We're not sure how much English Ellen knows, but it probably won't extend to a lot of that stuff. 

So to help ease her transition while she learns English (and to help me practice my Thai, which is always a good idea) I made up labels in Thai for all of those basic things and taped them onto the bottles.  They aren't the most stylish things in the world as I used plain cardstock and my handwriting (in both languages) isn't the best, but they're at least legible.  So now she won't accidentally use body wash in her hair or something; provided, that is, that I spelled the words correctly and didn't actually label everything in jibberish or use words that are completely wrong.  Knowing me it could definitely happen.

It's just one more little step in the process of getting ready to bring her home!

~Jess

In Which I Cook With Coconuts And Connor Goes Through Laundry

I decided to jump right in today on my Thai cooking quest, and made a pot of tom kha gai soup.  Basically it's a coconut-based chicken soup, cooked with a liberal amount of coconut cream that made this probably the least healthy thing in the entire cookbook I could have chosen to try.  Coconut cream is not exactly low on the calories or saturated fat.

Anyway, despite a slight mishap where the soup boiled over onto the stove (did you know burning coconut cream still smells delicious?) the soup ended up being surprisingly easy to make.  Some of the ingredients weren't things I was going to find down at the local Top Foods, though.  Luckily we live in an area that has a large Asian population, so I had a plethora of Asian grocery stores nearby to choose from that carry everything I needed to make the soup.  I even picked up a few things for recipes I plan to try later-- like some tamarind paste and some smoked chilies. 

Oh, and I couldn't resist grabbing some lychee just to eat by themselves.  I have fond memories of gorging myself on lychee at my next door neighbor's house when I was growing up, so whenever I find them ripe in the store I tend to snap them up.  There's no way I can grow them here in the Pacific Northwest, but believe me when I say that if I could, I would.

The one thing I couldn't find that the recipe called for was straw mushrooms; my guess is that they probably had them canned somewhere and I just didn't see them.  So I picked up some king oyster mushrooms instead, which aren't used as much in Thai cooking but are incredibly delicious. 

So the soup was delicious, even if one bowl of it probably had my caloric and saturated fat requirements for the entire day.  Next time I'll try cooking something a little bit healthier, and maybe a little more complicated too, like some kaeng som (a sour curry).  We'll see how it goes!

Connor tried a little bit of the tom kha gai and wasn't terribly impressed, but then he hasn't been terribly impressed with food in general lately-- he keeps throwing it up.  This weak stomach thing has been going on for about a week and a half now, which is long enough for me to think he probably needs to go see his doctor.  So first thing tomorrow morning I'll be calling and making him an appointment.  Hopefully he's not becoming allergic to his enteral nutrition or anything; that wouldn't be very good.  At least he isn't having any seizures or fever accompanying the issue.

Hope we can get this figured out soon.  It's sure as heck not fun for Connor, and it's not too great for me either.  You wouldn't believe the amount of laundry I'm doing right now.

In Which Connor Is Sick Again

The good news is that Connor's eyes (yes, he ended up with pink eye in both eyes) look about 800% better after a day and a half of eye drops.  Those things work fast!  The bad news is that he's once again running a mystery fever.  He spent about two thirds of the day asleep today and crashed hard when it was time for bed.  So it looks like he's picking up a new bug.  Again.  Fun times.

Jer and I have to leave him with Joanna tomorrow morning despite him feeling punky, though, because we've got our fingerprinting appointment for our adoption USCIS update.  I'm a little unsure of why they have to take our fingerprints again; I wouldn't think they would have changed all that much.  Oh well.  At any rate, once we get this taken care of and they prove that we haven't morphed into different people in the past year we should be cleared for Ellen's adoption until early 2013.  I'm hoping that this is the only time we'll have to update our immigration paperwork and that she'll be home before then!

~Jess

In Which We Have A Lazy Day

Connor had yet another sleepless night; he woke up off and on through the wee hours.  I find that I prefer having my sleep in four hour blocks (even if four hours is all I get) rather than two hour time blocks throughout the night.  I ended up taking a really long nap in the afternoon, which was nice except now I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep!  Oh well.

Jer and I spent a lazy day today; other than Connor's daily golf cart ride we pretty much stuck to the house.  It's been so nice to have that option; normally our days are so busy that we have to catch quick moments to ourselves, so it's a luxury to have so much free time together.  We got to see some really neat pictures of Jer's aunt's trip to Egypt, which made me think a lot about how excited I am to get to travel to Thailand!  Not that our trip will be any time soon; we'll be lucky if we're traveling this time next year.  But it's fun to think about how we'll plan things and what we'll try to see while we're there.  Hopefully we'll have time to do at least a little bit of sightseeing with Ellen when we go.

Her care package should have gotten there by now, and I'll be working on a second one to send to her when we get back from vacation!  I'm hoping it didn't get held up in customs or anything; this is the first time we've tried to send anything to her by mail so it's kind of new territory for us.  I'm already thinking about what we should send her for the next one!  I'd like to get at least two or three more off to her before our agency travels to Thailand again in the fall.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how great it will be to show Ellen the lake when she gets here.  Some people don't like the idea of adopting older kids because then they miss all the "firsts:" first step, first loose tooth, etc.  But there are so many "firsts" that we'll get the chance to share with her, like her first time on a waverunner!  We'll get to take her fishing, out on a boat (though living in Thailand she's probably done that), for a spin in the golf cart, swimming in the lake and even wakeboarding or water skiing if that's something she wants to do. 

I can't wait to see her experience all of those things for the first time; I think it will make them just as new and exciting for me! 

~Jess

In Which My Day Starts Out Blah And Gets Better

This morning I felt really crabby and frazzled as I dropped Connor off for school.  The morning had not gone well; one of the cats (and I can guess which one) had apparently decided the detachable foam tongue of one of Connor's ankle-foot orthotics would make a fantastic toy and had absconded with it.  I spent a good half an hour looking underneath all of our furniture for it with no luck, and so I had to take Connor to not only sans braces but also tardy.  As of right now, the piece is still AWOL. 

So I was not in the best of moods.

I knew that if I didn't want to spend the rest of the day out of sorts I needed to do something quick, so I decided a little retail therapy might be an order.  I knew that a lot of the stores in the mall were transitioning out their spring clothes and moving in their summer clothes, so I stopped in and browsed their clearance racks for items to donate to the orphanage.  I've learned that one sure way to make myself feel better is to do something nice for somebody else, and those clothes went a long way to boosting my mood.  While I don't buy things like formula or medication until a few weeks in advance because of the expiration dates, I constantly keep an eye out for some of the items that won't expire-- like developmental toys, bandages, school supplies, and the aforementioned clothes-- and I snap them up on sale when I can.  I keep a box in Ellen's closet where I store everything I've found, and then every time our agency goes over to Thailand I send a bunch of things with them. 

So things were looking up as I left the mall.  The bar of gourmet chocolate I bought on the way out (which I donated directly to my mouth) tipped the balance, and by the time I drove to pick up Connor life was grand once again.

Ellen's care package is sitting on my counter right now all ready to go, which also makes me pretty happy.  I wanted to make it look pretty but I needed to make sure that the orphanage staff would be able to open the package and check the contents before they gave it to Ellen.  They know her best and if there's something in there that isn't appropriate for her at this time, then I wanted them to be able to take it out and still have the whole thing look pretty. 

I looked for a box with a lid at our local craft store but apparently they've stopped carrying them, so I ended up getting a plastic bin, covering it with wrapping paper and lining the inside with tissue paper.  It's maybe not the most elegant solution (and next time I'll probably try the craft store across town, which might still carry the boxes) but looks decent and hopefully the orphanage will be able to use the bin for something.  We're waiting on a letter to come back from the translator, and then I'll bake her some cookies (because for a person with a Feed People gene like me, no package is complete without some form of tasty baked good in it) and we'll send it off!  It gives me a warm feeling every time I look at the box, because I know that in a few weeks it will be in our daughter's hands. 

So I hope that she knows how much love we've packaged inside!  Or at the very least that she likes the cookies.  For us Feed People folks it's sort of the same thing.

~Jess

In Which It Rains And We Plan A Care Package For Ellen

Connor and I spent a few hours running errands today, but it took us forever because it was raining so hard outside.  Really, I think it's completely unfair that we're still getting this sort of weather in May-- the only reason I'm okay with it is it means I don't have to water the yard.

Otherwise things were fairly quiet; we sat at a coffee shop for a little while, ran by our adoption agency to drop off some paperwork, and did a bit of house cleaning.  Nothing exciting, but quite honestly I wasn't really disappointed by that.  We've had more than enough excitement to last us for the next few months, thank you very much. 

We're probably sending off a care package to Ellen this week, so Jer and I spent some time trying to figure out exactly what should go in it.  So far we're going to put in an English-Thai picture dictionary, some swim goggles and a swim hat, but we haven't figured out what else should go in there.  It's too early in the process for us to send her a photo album-- that will come later.  We're not sure how much space she has to store things, so we don't want to send her bulky items or things that will take up a lot of room.  Maybe we'll add in some small things she can pass out to her friends.  I think the kids get a lot of candy from various visitors who come to the orphanage, so we'll probably try to avoid that.  We're probably going to send her one every couple of months, so we don't want to put too much in at one time. 

We have to think very carefully about what to put in her packages-- we don't know her clothing or shoe size, we can't send things that are too expensive and might be stolen or get her in trouble with the other kids, and we shouldn't send anything that requires batteries.  Thai girls are required to all wear their hair the same way for school, so pretty hair clips or barrettes are out.  We've already sent her some school supplies and a necklace. 

Figuring out what is appropriate and might pique her interest is surprisingly hard!

~Jess

In Which I Garden Some More

I worked out in the yard for several more hours today and the herb garden is almost finished!

While Connor attended school today I laid out and finished up my brick pathway.  Then after the little guy had his nap, we drove out to the nursery and picked up most of the herbs I'll be planting. 

Connor enjoyed the nursery trip, though we did have to do a little maneuvering so we could look at plants without being downwind from the lavender (which Connor is highly allergic to).  Luckily disaster was averted and I was able to purchase my herbs without my child breaking out in hives.  It probably wouldn't have affected him-- I'm pretty sure he'd have to either inhale the oil or get it on his skin for it to cause a reaction-- but better safe than sorry!

That's creeping thyme planted between the bricks; hopefully over time it will spread out and fill in the cracks to make a really attractive path.  In the plots I'm putting in thyme (the culinary kind), marjoram, nasturtiums, chives, oregano, bee balm, prostrate rosemary, borage, lemon balm, parsley, pineapple sage, dill and scented geraniums.  The bee balm, pineapple sage and lemon balm all tend to get out of control if left to grow unchecked, so I sank dividers underneath the bricks surrounding their plots and hopefully that will help.  Of course the lemon balm spreads by seed too, so I'm still taking a risk.  If in about three years I have twelve plots of lemon balm we'll know that the experiment failed. 

It's not quite past the freezing date yet for this area, but we're supposed to have a really good week of warm weather so hopefully the plants will mostly be over the shock of transplanting if it decides to dip below freezing again after that.  Also I have a really, really big tarp I can drape over the whole thing like a tent if need be.  I'm completely ready for it to stop freezing, though.  I am so over this winter stuff.  I think that Washington state does this sort of thing on purpose-- gives us a run of three or four days of really gorgeous weather so we remember what sun looks like and then dumps rain on us for another three weeks.  Every time it teases us with sun it's saying: "See?  This is what spring looks like in places other than here.  Ha ha!  Maybe you should move."

I think Washington is kind of a misanthrope. 

You will notice that other than the sage (which will grow anywhere) there aren't any herbs in there that love the heat.  They really don't do very well in this area because we only have sun for a third of the year or so.  This is a problem, because I want to be able to cook Thai meals at home and of course all of the herbs they use need very hot weather.  It would be really nice to have those ready and established so I can start harvesting before Ellen gets here!  So I'm planning a couple of raised beds on the sunniest side of the house  with cold box frames to fit on top of them.  Hopefully I'll be able to grow chilies, basil, lemongrass, and maybe even turmeric if I'm lucky!  Galangal and ginger might be more difficult to keep warm since they prefer a shady spot.  Maybe I could use tinted glass for part of my bed, or build another box on the shaded side of the house.  I'll get it figured out.

A strawberry pot full of different kinds of mint should round out my Thai cooking collection nicely.  We get shallots, onions and garlic through our Community Supported Agriculture program, so I don't need to put those in.  We'll just have to get the kaffir lime leaves at the local Asian food store, though.  There's no way limes are going to grow in our yard, and as adorable as those little potted lime trees are I know how they would fare in my house; Loki would strip the plant down to twigs with his teeth in about twenty seconds.  He's like a house plant piranha.

I was hoping to get my pictures of Ellen in the mail today, but they didn't come.  Hopefully they'll show up tomorrow!  I wish I could show you all what she looks like, but I want to respect her privacy and the wishes of the Thai government, so I won't be posting any pictures of her or identifying information (including her real name, as you all know) until after the adoption-- if she gives me permission.  She's old enough to have a say in how much information about her is shared. 

I'm hoping she'll be okay with it though, because I want you all to see her smiling face!

~Jess

In Which We Now Wait Forever And I Prepare To Start Thai Kindergarten

Thanks so much for all your wonderful suggestions about what to send Ellen!  Jer and I will be putting together our little package over the next couple of weeks, and now we have some fantastic ideas about what to put in it.

I'm happy to say that our dossier is finally finished!  If it doesn't go over beforehand it will be hand carried by the adoption agency to Thailand.  Then we start the long, long process of waiting for Thailand to send us a formal referral for our daughter.  The earliest we could expect to hear back would be sometime in September of this year, and then we'll still have to accept the referral and wait for our travel date.  I don't anticipate the waiting will be very easy.  The earliest we could expect to travel would be December.  The wait could drag on as long as a year and a half, though, which would put us traveling in August of 2012-- a date that seems ridiculously far in the future.  I'd probably be a total nutcase by then.

Not that I'm not already, but you know what I mean.

So next week I'll officially be beginning my Thai language lessons!  We just happen to live extremely close to one of the largest Thai wats (a Thai Buddhist temple) in the country, and they offer free Thai language lessons, along with cultural and dance classes.  To tell you the truth, I'm a little bit nervous about the class as I have no idea what to expect, but I think it will be really good for me.  I suspect I may be in a classroom with a whole bunch of five year olds, and I'm a little worried that the Thai they're going to be learning is Thai writing and not Thai speaking, which might be a problem if the class is taught entirely in Thai.  But we'll just have to see.

While I'm nervous about the class I think it will be a great way for me to feel more connected to Ellen.  As the vast majority of the people attending the temple are of Thai nationality, I'll probably be one of very few white faces in a sea of Asian faces.  Many of the people who attend also don't speak English-- in fact, the monk I first spoke to on the phone had to go get somebody else to understand what I was saying-- and so I'll probably be way out of my depth for a while until I get a better handle on the language.  Not only is this a great chance for me to meet Thai people who can help ease Ellen's transition to the states and allow me to gain a better handle on Thai culture, but also this gives me a chance to see what she might feel like when we bring her home.  After all, she'll be one of a few Asian faces in a predominantly white society, and she'll be expected to learn and speak in a language that is not her native tongue.  It will hopefully put things into perspective for me.

While I don't expect to become fluent by any stretch of the imagination before we travel to meet Ellen (though depending on how long the process takes I could at least get to the point where I can hold a conversation) I hope that I'll know enough of the basics to make her feel welcome and comforted.  Jeremy's schedule probably won't allow him to take the class, but I can share with him what I'm learning so that he's able to connect with Ellen right away too! 

At least it will give me something to do while we're waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting.

Can't she come home now?

~Jess

In Which I Ask Your Advice

So our adoption agency will be traveling soon to Thailand to visit the waiting children in their program, and so we have the opportunity to send Ellen a small gift.  It's too early in the process for photo albums or letters, but something small that she can keep with her is appropriate.

I'll confess that I'm a little gun shy about this trip; I'm kind of worried that they'll get over there and discover that for some reason Ellen is suddenly unavailable for adoption and we'll get another sad phone call.  But I'm excited too, because we have the opportunity to have some more questions answered about our daughter, to receive updated pictures and video, and to send along something just for her filled with all the love we can cram into it.

The question is, what do we send?

Ellen loves Thai comic books and soap operas, but I don't have a good source for Thai comics here (and wouldn't be able to read them yet to make sure they're appropriate).  She also enjoys playing chess, so we're thinking about maybe sending her a little travel chess set.  Stuffed animals aren't necessarily appropriate for her age level, but we're going to send a small piece of jewelry like a necklace or a charm bracelet.

I think I'm also going to applique a little zippered bag for her-- maybe with a white elephant, as they're an important cultural symbol for Thailand.  Since I have the time it would be good to send her something handmade.  I might have Jeremy take a picture while I'm sewing on it, and then when we're allowed to send her a photo album she can see that I made it for her.

So what do you all think?  Do you have any suggestions for age appropriate (she's thirteen) gifts we could send her?  They need to be of fairly low monetary value, non-electronic and probably not easily breakable, and they need to take up very little room in a suitcase.  Any ideas?

~Jess 

In Which I Ask Questions I Can't Answer And Buy Ellen A Shirt

I bought Ellen a shirt today.

"Ellen," for those of you who don't know, is the thirteen year old girl we are in the process of adopting from Thailand.  I was thinking about her today as I wandered around the clothing section of Target, having finished my other errands. 

We have a lot of information about our daughter-- much more information than many children from international adoption ever learn about their backgrounds.  We know the exact time and date of her birth, how much she weighed and many details about her family.  We know which hospital she was born and treated in and what ward she stayed in until she moved to her orphanage.  We know what therapies she's gone through and when she had all of her surgeries.  We know why her parents chose to make an adoption plan.

Because our adoption agency has been advocating for her since she was four years old, we also know a lot of things about her personally-- not just her background.  We know she's friendly and outgoing, that she has many friends at school, that her favorite food is papaya salad and her favorite color is blue.  We know she's missing a tooth.  She is on track for a child raised in an institution but delayed when compared to children outside the orphanage, which is not surprising.  She's right handed.  She once performed a wheelchair dance for the Princess of Thailand's birthday.  Her favorite subject in school is English.  She likes to play chess and watch Thai soap operas.  She's amazingly beautiful and has the most incredible, joyful smile I've ever seen on a human being other than Connor.

But there are so many things we don't know about her.  For one thing, we don't know when she's coming home.  I have no idea if the shirt I bought her today (I'm nesting already, which is not a good sign considering how long we have to wait) will fit her by the time we travel to meet her, which probably won't be for many months.  We'll never see a picture of her taken before the age of three and a half.  We don't know what she wants to do with her life, what she's been told about where she comes from, what she thinks her future will be.  We don't know what she thinks about the idea of adoption. 

I know that if I were in her shoes and was told that at age thirteen I'd be leaving every single thing I knew behind to live in a strange country with people I'd never met, I'd probably be terrified.  Terrified and angry.  Thirteen is a difficult age for everyone: certainly I remember it as being traumatic, and I enjoyed the privilege of growing up in an extremely stable, healthy family.  It's impossible for me to know what she's going through.  Right now she doesn't even know we exist, and she's probably preparing for a different transition.  It's likely she's given up on the idea of ever being adopted, and I'm sure she's well aware of the fact that in just a few short years she'll be aging out of the orphanage and leaving the only home that she's ever known.  It's a future probably just as terrifying as the thought of adoption; while I don't have statistics specifically for Thailand, in general the statistics related to children who age out of institutional settings (even in the United States) are extremely grim.

How do I help her piece together the two vastly different worlds she'll be bridging?  How do I prepare for a child who will be in some ways much younger than her peers and in other ways far, far older?  How do I help her preserve and honor her rich culture and heritage while preparing her to succeed in the mystifying, often-cruel world of the American teenager?  These are questions I have no answers for.

Take the seemingly simple problem of a name.  The English translation of Ellen's name is twelve letters long and difficult for the average American to pronounce, let alone spell.  However, it's her name, and so our plan was to keep it as her first name and give her an American middle name.  That way she could choose to use the middle name if she wanted to, but we wouldn't be callously changing her name with no thought for her age or sense of identity.  After reviewing her paperwork, however, we've discovered that the way the name is spelled and pronounced was changed by the orphanage when she was about eight.  The original spelling and pronunciation-- which is on her birth certificate and will be on her passport and all of her adoption documentation-- sounds extremely close to a vulgar phrase in English which would cause her a lot of embarrassment if she goes by the name here.  So what do we do?  Do we change her original name (which was given to her by her birth parents and has an extremely strong meaning in Thai) to the name that the orphanage has been calling her for the last five years?  Do we stick to our original plan and hope that she can weather the potential teasing her birth name will probably trigger?  Do we give her, or let her choose, an American name for a first name and make her Thai name her middle name, running the risk that she won't understand or accept our reasoning and making her feel as if we are trying to isolate her from her past?  What's the right thing to do here?  What will she want us to do?  None of the little bits and pieces of information we have about her can help us answer this question.  It's impossible to know.

I desperately want to ask her opinion about this and a thousand other things, but it will be months before she even knows that we exist.  I wish I could comfort her and give her some answers of her own as she confronts the big questions she's probably asking about what the future will hold for her.  There's not a thing in the world I can do right now, though.  I can't answer any of her questions or mine, however badly I wish I could, no matter how long I wander around and think about them. 

So instead I bought her a shirt and went home. 

I hope it fits.

~Jess

In Which I Write An Entirely Too Long And Sentimental Post About Adoption

I'm sitting here drinking a hot glass of lemon tea (with a generous dollop of honey, of course) and browsing the Internet for children's room decoration ideas.  Since Sylvie is going to another family, I've been trying to give myself some closure so I can start preparing for the next little boy or girl we select off the Waiting Child list.  Sylvie should be joining her new family this week, and I've been trying to picture how happy and excited that family must be to finally meet her and taking her home.  It's helped considerably knowing how much joy they must be experiencing right now, and I'm sure Sylvia will be in good hands.

Even though Sylvie never even knew we existed, I wanted to feel like she was giving me "permission" to start thinking about another child.  Call me silly, but I kind of felt like I a needed a little private ceremony to send her off, like the ones I had for all of the children I miscarried.  So I decided that I'd pick out something for the new child and think of it as a gift from Sylvie. 

Because we got Sylvia a stuffed animal owl as a first gift from us, I thought that something along those lines would be ideal.  Since I don't know yet how old our child (or children, since we're approved for a sibling group) will be though, I wasn't sure a stuffed animal would be appropriate.  So I bought two owl prints (from here and here) that I thought would work for either gender and pretty much any age-- heck, I'd hang them on my bedroom wall-- and I'm thinking of them as a sweet parting gift from the little girl we'll never meet, but will always have a special place for in our hearts.  The second one arrived yesterday, and I feel ready now to start concentrating on finding the child that's still waiting for us out there somewhere.

Okay, and to tell you the truth I probably would have bought these anyway.  Because they are really cute.

As far as that child goes, we're back to the proverbial drawing board.  We're perfectly fine with either a girl or a boy, which means we're much more likely to end up with a boy as there are many more available.  We figured either way we're still going to let them have their own room now though instead of making the boys (if the kid is a boy) share, since Connor's seizure medications have been giving him insomnia lately.  Besides, they'll probably end up sleeping with us for the first six months anyway.  We're approved for a kid (or kids) up to the age of nine with moderate special needs, and honestly there are very few special needs we wouldn't do.  We told the adoption agency we would do pretty much anything except for these four things:

1) Total blindness.  Because Connor can't finger spell into someone's hand and isn't using a computer to talk yet, so our kids couldn't speak to each other if child #2 is completely unable to see.  Also I am way, way too messy to have a kid who is blind-- I never put things down in the same place twice-- and our house is set up for pretty much any disability except blindness.  Not enough transition between rooms, too little color contrast, etc.  So total blindness is probably not a good idea.  A degree of blindness (and yes, legal blindness covers a wide range of vision; Connor actually qualifies as deafblind, believe it or not, because of his Duane Syndrome) would be okay depending on the type and severity of blindness.

2) Severe known behavioral, emotional or psychological issues.  Okay, so there's certainly a risk that any adopted child is going to end up with these due to their traumatic past, and if we end up with a child who fits in this category we'll deal with that as it comes.  Once we've adopted them that's it-- they're family-- and we'll treat them the same way we'd treat a biological child with these sorts of issues.  However, knowingly adopting a child with any of these conditions would not be terribly responsible of us, as Connor is nonverbal and completely unable to defend himself.  Not a good combination.

3) Moderate to severe cognitive delay.  So maybe this is kind of selfish on our parts, but we want our next kid to grow up and leave the house.  Really.  We're already planning our retirement for three, because the odds of Connor ever being able to live on his own are pretty much nil.  Not that we wouldn't be thrilled if it happened, but we're going to do the smart thing and figure he'll be right there with us.  A kid who won't be completely dependent on us for the rest of his or her life sounds like a good plan.

4)  Terminal illness.  We've lost enough children.  While we're planning for three as far as retirement goes, we are well aware that it's more than likely we'll outlive Connor by a good number of years.  So we'd rather not go there again if we can possibly help it, because with our next kid we'd like to try the novelty of worrying about whether or not they will grow up well instead of just worrying about if they will grow up.

Anyway, other than those four things we're pretty much completely open.  Deafness, limb differences, CP, cranialfacial issues, spina bifida, dwarfism, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  No problem.  Hopefully some time in the next week or two we'll go in to the adoption agency and start the process to be matched with a new child.  Because we're so open, I have absolutely no idea what that child will be like, but I'm looking forward to finding out!

In the meantime I'm preventing myself from going completely crazy by continuing to work on what paperwork we can do right now and also by planning the basic decor for our child(ren)'s room.  While we'll leave some things for when they get here so that they have to chance to help decorate the room to their tastes, things like paint colors and major pieces of furniture should already be in place before they arrive.  I like to bargain shop, so it's better for me to get an idea of what I want to do way, way in advance rather than trying to buy everything at the last minute. 

I'm finding it a challenge; designing a completely neutral kid's room isn't exactly a walk in the park.  But I'm deliberately thinking about a room for any child rather than a child of a specific age, gender or special need because until we have that kid physically on the plane I'm probably going to be half-convinced things are going to fall through again. 

I've come up with a general color scheme-- it's gray (along with that latte color and the shoji white trim that's in every room of our house) with turquoise and orange accents-- and I'll spend the next few months happily painting and buying furniture and doing my best to keep myself busy until the day when I've got a little helper (or two) to pick out the finishing touches. 

And I'll hang the pair of owls in a place of pride on the wall, so that when our child or children walk through the door for the very first time into the room where they will grow up, they'll receive a silent, heartfelt welcome home.

~Jess

In Which We Say Goodbye To Sylvie

We got a call from the adoption agency today.

They've been over in Thailand the past couple of weeks gathering updates on all of the waiting children in the various orphanages and foster homes around the country.  We were expecting a call from our adoption coordinator any day now, giving us news about how Sylvie is doing and hopefully providing us with some answers to a few of the questions about her health, development, preferences etc. we'd sent over for them to ask the social worker.  We received that call today, but it wasn't the news we'd expected.

In a few weeks, Sylvie's adoptive parents will be arriving to pick her up and take her home.  They won't be us.

Apparently an adoption agency in another country had also matched Sylvia with a family, and they've been working steadily towards her adoption for well over a year now.  The Thailand government simply failed to inform our adoption agency that they'd already found a match, and so apparently the child we've been working towards this whole time has been spoken for probably since before we started the adoption process.  It's apparently extremely rare for something like this to happen, but we were aware it could be an issue (though the odds of it occurring when the child in question is older and has special needs are slim to none).  So where does that leave us?

Well, pretty disappointed and saddened, for one.  Since we'd been matched on this side of the water I'd relaxed a little and allowed myself to start thinking about Sylvie in terms of when she would get here and not if.  Obviously that was a mistake.  It's very odd because in some ways I feel like I've suffered a loss similar to a miscarriage-- and I've had several of those so I know how they feel-- but at the same time the child I'm mourning is still very much alive.  Not only that, but her situation in the next few months will be greatly improved; she'll be with a family and receiving the love and care she needs instead of waiting in the orphanage for another year.  Certainly it's better for her to have a family now instead of spending another year in institutional care.  This is by far the best situation for her, but that doesn't mean I don't feel pretty sad that she's going to be somebody else's and not ours. 

Jer and I have discussed it and we definitely want to continue forging ahead in the adoption process.  We know there's another child out there waiting who would fit our family just as well as Sylvie would have.  Our home study, thankfully, is written in general terms; we're approved for a single child or sibling group with moderate special needs up to the age of nine.  The Thailand adoption coordinator is compiling all the new data they received about the waiting children in the program, and as soon as she has it completed she'll send us an updated list so we can start the process of being matched with a child over again.  We'll continue to put our dossier paperwork together in the meantime, so we can quickly jump into things once we have a new child in mind.  So once the packet of waiting children arrives I'll take a deep breath, be happy for Sylvie, and start looking at all those eager, heartbreaking little faces again. 

We'd sent a stuffed owl over with the adoption agency to give to Sylvie while they were there.  They didn't get the chance to see her, but I hope they were able to give the owl to the social worker to pass on to her, even though we won't be her family.  I'd like to think that even though she'll never know we existed, she'll carry a bit of the love we've felt for her with her as she travels to her future home and starts her exciting new adventure.

Here's to you, Sylvie.

~Jess

In Which I Think About Sylvie

Today I went to the army post with Connor for a meeting, which ended up canceled.  Since we were already out there anyway, I stopped by the local Target.  I ended up walking out with a cute little cooking set and a Legos kit-- both for Sylvie.

Yes, I know we won't be traveling to get her for another year, and it's way, way too early to be buying toys for her.  But it gives me a way to feel connected to her; I can imagine her playing with her cooking set in the kitchen beside me while I cook on the stove.  I can picture Jeremy helping her build all sorts of fantastic Lego creations.  She'll be of an age when she gets home for imaginative play-- something she may never have had the chance to do in the orphanage-- and I can't wait to teach her all about it.

Actually, it's hard to wait in general.  We're in the process right now of getting all of our dossier paperwork together to send to Thailand, and there's no telling how long the process will take once all of that paperwork is over there.  While I understand that the many, many forms are all necessary and the process, while slow, is important to make sure that the adoption is in Sylvie's best interest, it's still frustrating to know that it will probably be more than a year before we travel to bring her home. 

You know how when you are expecting a baby, suddenly you start noticing babies everywhere?  Moms will know exactly what I'm talking about here.  Well, I'm doing that with five year old girls.  All of the sudden they're popping up everywhere, and while watching them interact with their parents, it's hard not to wonder what Sylvie is doing right now. There's a fourteen hour time difference between Thailand and Washington, so right about now she'd probably be eating lunch.  She doesn't know we exist yet, and she probably won't learn about us for at least another nine or ten months, but there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. 

So I'll put the toys I got for her today up in the large plastic bin I'm storing in the closet of what will be her room.  Every once in a while, when it seems like we'll never get through this process, I open the closet door.  I bring the bin down and look through the things in there: my old paper doll collection, a miniature wooden bed with clothespin posts, art supplies, a beloved Chinese baby doll that was mine as a girl.  And for just a little while, as I sit with the toys in my lap, I can forget how many months stretch out before we'll get the chance to meet our precious daughter. 

I can't wait to meet her.

~Jess

In Which We Get Some Exciting News!

Today was, all in all, a lovely day.

We didn't get much done on the fence because of the rain, but we did get to spend some quality snuggling time with Connor.  He was back to his usual happy self today, for which I am very grateful.  We're still waiting on the neurologist's orders, but hopefully we'll get those tomorrow.

The really exciting news, though, was that we got a call from our adoption agency today.  They found some more recent photos and video of Sylvie!  They hadn't made it into her file.  The photos we had of her before this were from two years ago, and these new ones are from last November!  The video is on its way to us in the mail, but we got the pictures today, and she is absolutely adorable.  We're talking massive amounts of cuteness here.  It's didn't even factor into the equation when we were making the decision on which child we were going to pursue for adoption, but let me tell you it sure isn't going to hurt the bonding process any.  Sadly, since we're not matched with her yet you will just have to content yourselves with a general description of how ridiculously adorable she is, but trust me when I say that she is just precious.  And for me to use that term in a completely non-sarcastic way, you know the kid has got to be coma-inducing cute.  She's 7,000 miles away and already has me wrapped around her little finger, but I don't really care.

Of course we're all freaked out over here by Thailand's current political situation, and we're worried that Jer won't be allowed to travel, or that they'll be in civil war or something, or that the adoption program is going to shut down, or any number of other possible disastrious things.  But since there's not a thing we can do about it, and a lot can happen in a year, we're just going to go ahead and fall in love with her now and hope for the best.  I think it's far better for us to go ahead and be excited, plan for her coming, and then be disappointed later than spend the entire time being Eeyores and trying not to get our hopes up.  So our book on Thai Sign Language arrived in the mail today, and I'll be studying up so that we can talk to her right away when we get to meet her!

 We're hoping to get another update on her soon, and we can't wait to see how she's doing now! 

~Jess

In Which I Talk About Birth Order

I've been doing a ton of research in the past few weeks about older child adoption, and there are some really interesting things out there.  One of the hot debates is about adopting out of birth order.  Since I had someone e-mail me and ask about whether or not we'd thought about this the other day, I thought I'd talk about our reasoning here.

People tend to have relatively strong opinions about this topic, for some reason.  Basically the general idea is that you are supposed to adopt children in the "natural" order they would come in your family-- ie the newest child should always be the youngest.  This is so that the older children don't feel like their spot in the family has been usurped by the newly adopted child.  Some people contend that it's merely important that the eldest child be able to keep their spot, as they will have a more difficult time adjusting than the other kids in the family who are already used to dealing with an older sibling and so will be less upset if they lose their "spot" as second oldest, third oldest, etc. 

But we're going against convention, and adopting a child who is ten months older than the little guy.  And after some soul searching, we concluded that it would actually be more beneficial for Connor to have an older sibling than it would be for us to adopt a younger child.  Let me explain our thinking, here.

Connor is four years old chronologically.  But in terms of motor skills and cognitive development he is much younger-- probably around two years old cognitively and around 6-8 months old in gross and fine motor skills.  Unless we are choosing to adopt a child who has cognitive and physical issues just as profound as the little guy's any kiddo who joins our family is going to pass Connor up pretty quickly in terms of development.  So then we'd have the odd situation where the younger child chronologically would be the older child developmentally.  I would think that situation would be more confusing and irritating to Connor than having a sibling who is older and therefore should be developmentally ahead.

There's also the fact that if we were to adopt a child who was younger, they'd be competing for a lot of the same types of attention as Connor.  For example: Connor doesn't feed himself at all.  If we adopt an infant, I can't feed Connor and a baby at the same time, and so they'll be in competition as to who gets fed first, who gets more time, etc.  But if we're adopting a child who is able to feed herself, than we can sit down at the table together and I can interact with her while feeding Connor.  That way the kids are both getting attention-- it's just different types of attention. 

That's not to say that we're adopting a kid who's older because we think it's going to be easier, or something.  Ah contraire-- we know that the older the child is, the more likely they are to have attachment or trauma-related issues, and so we could potentially be exposing Connor to some behaviors that are not going to be beneficial for him.  But we also think that the benefits of having a sibling outweigh the risks of adopting an older child, and without going into detail here let me just say that we've been careful to choose a child who, while still at risk for those issues, is less at risk than many other children who have also spent time in institutions.  And we'll have a better idea of what Sylvie's personality is like and what challenges we may face than if we were adopting her when she was a baby.  So we'll see how things go.

I don't think there's any right or wrong answer on this one, and in the end it's what's best for the individual families.  Obviously we don't have her home yet, so we'll have to see how things go and whether or not our reasons were good ones!

~Jess

In Which We Share Some Exciting News

Happy Easter, everyone!

Since today is a day of renewal and new beginnings, we thought it appropriate to share our exciting news with you today.  Connor is going to be a little brother!  We've officially started the adoption process, and we're working towards adopting a waiting child in Thailand.

She's a four year old little girl who is deaf, and she's in an orphanage near Bangkok.  To respect her privacy I won't be posting any pictures or specifics on her until we (hopefully) are able to complete the adoption process and bring her home.  While we'll be keeping her Thai name, we've chosen an American name as well: Sylvia (Sylvie as a nickname), that I'll be using on the blog and that she could choose to use later if she wants. 

It will take between nine and eighteen months to complete the adoption process, so Sylvie will be five or six by the time we are traveling to get her.  We're really excited about adding to our family and I'm already having to physically restrain myself from buying every cute little girl thing in the stores, which is probably not a good sign as I have just a few months to get through before we'll need anything for her.   

A lot could happen in that time period; we don't have an official referral for her yet so there's no guarantee that we'll be able to adopt her.  But we're hopeful that things will go smoothly and by this time next year we'll have an adorable girl in an Easter gown seated next to Connor and kicking her little legs under the church pew as she learns what this holiday is all about.

So again I hope that everyone had a wonderful Easter.  Here's to new beginnings!

~Jess