Wednesday, August 25, 2010

In Which We Say Goodbye To Sylvie

We got a call from the adoption agency today.

They've been over in Thailand the past couple of weeks gathering updates on all of the waiting children in the various orphanages and foster homes around the country.  We were expecting a call from our adoption coordinator any day now, giving us news about how Sylvie is doing and hopefully providing us with some answers to a few of the questions about her health, development, preferences etc. we'd sent over for them to ask the social worker.  We received that call today, but it wasn't the news we'd expected.

In a few weeks, Sylvie's adoptive parents will be arriving to pick her up and take her home.  They won't be us.

Apparently an adoption agency in another country had also matched Sylvia with a family, and they've been working steadily towards her adoption for well over a year now.  The Thailand government simply failed to inform our adoption agency that they'd already found a match, and so apparently the child we've been working towards this whole time has been spoken for probably since before we started the adoption process.  It's apparently extremely rare for something like this to happen, but we were aware it could be an issue (though the odds of it occurring when the child in question is older and has special needs are slim to none).  So where does that leave us?

Well, pretty disappointed and saddened, for one.  Since we'd been matched on this side of the water I'd relaxed a little and allowed myself to start thinking about Sylvie in terms of when she would get here and not if.  Obviously that was a mistake.  It's very odd because in some ways I feel like I've suffered a loss similar to a miscarriage-- and I've had several of those so I know how they feel-- but at the same time the child I'm mourning is still very much alive.  Not only that, but her situation in the next few months will be greatly improved; she'll be with a family and receiving the love and care she needs instead of waiting in the orphanage for another year.  Certainly it's better for her to have a family now instead of spending another year in institutional care.  This is by far the best situation for her, but that doesn't mean I don't feel pretty sad that she's going to be somebody else's and not ours. 

Jer and I have discussed it and we definitely want to continue forging ahead in the adoption process.  We know there's another child out there waiting who would fit our family just as well as Sylvie would have.  Our home study, thankfully, is written in general terms; we're approved for a single child or sibling group with moderate special needs up to the age of nine.  The Thailand adoption coordinator is compiling all the new data they received about the waiting children in the program, and as soon as she has it completed she'll send us an updated list so we can start the process of being matched with a child over again.  We'll continue to put our dossier paperwork together in the meantime, so we can quickly jump into things once we have a new child in mind.  So once the packet of waiting children arrives I'll take a deep breath, be happy for Sylvie, and start looking at all those eager, heartbreaking little faces again. 

We'd sent a stuffed owl over with the adoption agency to give to Sylvie while they were there.  They didn't get the chance to see her, but I hope they were able to give the owl to the social worker to pass on to her, even though we won't be her family.  I'd like to think that even though she'll never know we existed, she'll carry a bit of the love we've felt for her with her as she travels to her future home and starts her exciting new adventure.

Here's to you, Sylvie.

~Jess

21 comments:

Mary said...

I love you dearly, sister of mine. It's a hard blow, even if you rationally know this little girl is the better for it. As such, I'm doing my best to give you the biggest hug I possibly can from far too many miles away. Wugaboo.

Katy said...

I am so sorry. I'm sure it does feel like a miscarriage. That was the child you planned for. I guess the only silver lining is that now some other child has the chance to get out of the orphanage and live with fabulous parents like you and Jer.

KLB said...

Jess - my DH and I were in your shoes three times before we were matched with Our DD and each time a match fell through, it hurt SO badly. Now that our DD is home with us, I can see that the heavens were aligning to bring us the perfect kid for us - it just didn't feel like it at the time. I am shedding a few tears for you in empathy. Your child IS out there, you just haven't been introduced yet. Warmly, Karen

Jennifer Jayhawk said...

You are an amazing woman and Mom. What a heartbreaking turn of events.

You inspire me with your positive attitude.

melissa said...

I'm sorry you are unable to apopt Sylvie but there will be a another special child who will attract your attention, hopefully it won't be long before you hear about any potential matches.

leah said...

Oh, my heart just wrenched into a knot reading this entry. What a conflict of emotions! Knowing that Sylvie will be home into a loving family, but knowing that family won't be yours. What a truly lovely little girl, to have two families who loved her from the moment they saw her.

Sending *hugs* from across the internet. Your child is already out there and waiting: I hope you get matched to him/her soon!

Ann said...

I am so sorry this happened ...

J. said...

this is one of the hardest parts of waitng for adoption process, I hope that the next match sticks and that it happens soon. Things seem to take forever in the adoption world, we are waiting for more kids too and things move so slowly.

The Henrys said...

I'm sorry for your loss of Sylvie. Sending warm hugs your way...

Lin said...

I'm sorry. It's been a trying week, hasn't it.

Wherever HE Leads We'll Go said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I can only imagine how heartbreaking this is for you guys. I am glad that you are continuing on in the process and have no doubt that you will find the child that is right for your family. Praying the rest of the process goes smoothly.

krlr said...

I'm so very very sorry. The odds of that happening seem staggering but that's little consolation. Best wishes to Sylvie.

Julia O'C said...

I'm so sorry this happened. I think it's perfectly appropriate for you to mourn the child you thought was yours.

I'm just so sorry.

Julia said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. As soon as I saw your blog post title come up, my heart sank. That was a good point Leah made about two families being in love with the same child. And I'm sure a part of you will always love her and wonder how she's doing, even after you've brought your own new child home to join your family. I hope that happens as soon as possible.

isabelkhan said...

Heartbroken for you. So sorry.

xraevision said...

Oh Jess, I'm so sorry for your loss. It was clear from the way you wrote about her that she was already in your heart and part of your family.

spherescamp said...

So sorry, Jess. Saw the title of this post on my commute home and had to switch to another website to avoid getting weepy on NJ Transit. That little girl definitely has a family she'll never meet that loved her just to bits.
You will find that kiddo that's waiting for your family to come along.
((hugs)) - Laura

Niksmom said...

Oh, Jess, I'm so sorry. Sending hugs and prayers that there's another child out there who needs your family to be THEIRS. SOON.

Robin said...

Jess, we were matched with a sibling group of three before social worker politics got involved and the children went to another home. Two months after that we welcomed our son home, a year and a half later, we brought home his half brother.

I still think about those kids that were almost my family and I say a prayer for them.

Robin said...

I'm really sorry, Jess. I wish the system was different so that didn't happen to any family. =(

Ashley's Mom said...

I, too, am very sorry for your loss, and it is a loss even if you never met Sylvie. I've been where you are now and it is so very hard.

Just curious, why did you choose to look out of country for an older child with special needs instead of looking in country?

 
Blog Directory