Anyway, so the local pet store had their cat beds on sale and I picked up a larger one so that Loki would actually be able to fit his entire body inside the thing. I stuck it next to the fireplace and turned the fire on. Both cats completely shunned it and continued fighting over the smaller, evidently far superior original bed.
So then I had the bright idea of sticking the wool guinea pig bed inside the new cat bed, as it's basically Cricket's Favorite Thing In The Entire World. This means neither one fits in their bed of choice, and I can now present to you the Most Dignified Cats Ever:
Way to go, cats-- you are a credit to your species. Good thing you didn't belong to Charles Baudelaire, or he would have written some seriously different poetry.